Icy waters

I guess I'm angry because I was so vulnerable. I shared my heart and the deepest, not so pretty parts of me, only to never be let in. And that's why it should be so easy to walk away: because you never let me all the way in. You were always hiding a part of yourself from me, but I ignored it, and kept sharing pieces of me hoping you'd eventually exchange some of you in return.

Well that never happened. And so here I am, looking back on it all now thinking how stupid I was, how thoughtless it was for me to be so real and so vulnerable with someone who was never even sure of what he wanted. A part of me wants to regret that I did, but then another part knows that everything has happened the way that it was supposed to-- something I have to force myself to trust. But some days I wake up, and that faith doesn't make it any easier. You told me to be strong, though, and so strong I will be. Strong in the knowledge that to be honest, you and I both have some growing up to do.

Someone once described the sensation of being thrown into icy water as "hitting you like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body." Upon those first moments in the water, you can't breathe, you can't think about anything except for the pain. Many people have compared a breaking heart to the sensation of being thrown into icy water. Ironically enough, I have recently experienced both, and I can agree. But the thing about being thrown into icy water is, that while it hurts at first in shocking, breath-taking pain, eventually it numbs you and the pain disappears almost as quickly as it came. A part of me excused certain actions of yours that hurt me, but when it comes down to it, I excused you all too often. I was blinded by the amazing person that you are, underneath it all, the amazing person that you can choose to be. But some of the time, you didn't choose to be that person... and I needed you to. But the person that this experience has shaped me into isn't even sad about the change, just about how it all went. I'm not one to hold grudges or ever be bitter; I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason.

I know that without you, I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. So, I do have a lot to thank you for. But I also have to thank you for making me realize my worth and that fighting against the urge to settle is a fight I deserve to persevere through. You deserve to grow into the incredible young man that you have the potential to be, and that isn't possible with me in your life. I don't know why, but I think both of us know very well that we are in different places in our lives, both mentally and physically. I have been told to never regret anything that once made you happy. I don't regret you. I never will be capable of convincing myself of that. Instead, I am thankful and optimistic about what the future holds for each of us. Who knows where the future will lead us?

I hope that you know how privileged you are to have been let into my heart so intimately, so selflessly, and that I wouldn't change knowing you. I hope you choose to grow into the wonderfully devoted, loyal, and selfless man that I knew for a time; and that you choose to be the best version of yourself everyday. Live in today and never yesterday. I hope that you don't beat yourself up too much when you realize how little you gave; allow it to change you. Lord knows we both need to.

And when you're thrown out into the real world, and the thousands of knives stab all over your body in fear and pain; when the real world and it's demands steal your breath and make it impossible to think just like when that icy water hit me, I hope you think of how I got up, got out, and handled it with grace and dignity. I hope you remember that you're the one that threw me into the water in the first place, the one that gave this up. I ask you to be strong for me then like I have been strong for you now.

Time

I hate change. I hate that empty, gut-wrenching moment when you look back at an empty room that is still so full of memories and laughs, and you have to turn around and walk away. Tears fill your eyes and goodbyes never seem to go easily, but life doesn't stop when you feel overwhelmed. It never stops, no matter what. And life goes on, despite the heartache of nostalgia and the fear of what is to come next. The clock ceaselessly ticks on, even in those moments when we desperately wish it wouldn't. But if we never embrace the change, if we never turn our backs on the old room, how will we ever experience the beautiful memories to come with the next?

There's no sense in holding onto something that is already gone, it just prevents us from stepping forward and experiencing the new adventure that awaits. Tears swell up in my eyes looking at my half-empty room, wondering where the hell the time went? How is my sophomore year already gone? How is my brother graduating? Everything seems to be moving in fast-forward and I cannot keep up. I realize how I haven't cherished my life. My every moment; the hard ones, the good ones, the unbelievable ones, the boring ones, the ones where I was afraid or alone, the times when I was so full of life and love, the ones where I could hardly pull myself up in the mornings. I should cherish them all. Every moment, every breath. The days where I am bored and alone, the days where I am delighted in the fun and company of others. I will never get a moment back, ever. Why waste a moment in anger? In bitterness? Sad or regretful?

Looking back on this year, I choose to look forward. I thank God for the memories and for the time I had here, but I plan to cherish every moment at home for the summer, and every last moment of my Junior year. Time moves all too fast and before I know it, I will be looking back on my life wondering how I became 85? I plan to look back in fulfillment and gladness; I never want to ask, "what if?"