focus

I ask of myself, if the Lord were to ask me these things, how would I respond, truly?

"Does what I think matter to you? If I am pleased with you is that enough? If I want you to speak and no one responds, will you speak for just Me?"

Oh Lord, make it enough. Make it enough when you are pleased with me and no one else seems to be. Lord allow me to speak only for you- when no one else responds, encourages, can you make my heart open and soft enough to be content with your declarations of how you cherish me? Can you put away my selfish desire to be admired and change my focus to that of Paul- that your power and glory shining through me are what should be admirable? Help me to not waste my life dancing around for the love and applause of men, which leads to my destruction, but to dance for you; to live and run this race for you, which leads to my joy and ultimately, my purpose. You are better than what I have been focusing on. Will you fix my heart on drawing near to you and desiring to please only you?

"Am I now trying to win the approval of man, or of God? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Stepping stones

Sometimes, you have to be thankful for the people in your life that you've said goodbye to. Because even though they are no longer a part of your life personally, they were a stepping stone on your journey to who you've now become... and you can only hope that you were the same and that you are now beautifully who each of you are because of your lessons learned during those moments together. And those moments shouldn't haunt you; they shouldn't make you sad, because at the time, they made you happy and brought you wisdom. Sometimes, people are brought into our lives to teach us something worth learning, and then brought out of our lives so that we can put those lessons we learned into practice and transform into the best "us" that we can possibly be. And isn't that all we can ask for in life? To love and to learn and to be bettered by those who we come in contact with?

Crippled by fears

Avoiding fears and hurt can be fashioned in many ways. I have seen people so desperate to numb their pain, to avoid their fears, that they willingly throw themselves away in the process. Sure, it seems harmless at first, saying "just this once, it won't happen again," but then, a few weeks later, there you are and you feel like your world is spiraling out of control.

Maybe it was the careless way that you handled something, or maybe it is the innate fear that you will be a failure and make your parents' same mistakes. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown, or the fear that you will never be good enough. Fears can suffocate you and hurt you all the same. The brave ones in this world choose to face them, full-force; however, unfortunately, some spend so much time and energy attempting to run from them, they find themselves stumbling into the very thing they were afraid of... and by that point, it is oftentimes too late.

Every time the pain of an old heartache hits you, it is so much easier to tip back a Bud Light than it is to face reality and realize that maybe you were wrong. Maybe it was your fault and you were the one who handled things incorrectly. Cowards numb their pain, they run as far as they can away from being man enough to face them and not only admit that they were wrong, but do something to change it. Cowards bury themselves beneath distractions, only to tell themselves that right now is not the time.

Well, then tell me, when will be a good time? If you don't stand up on your two feet now, dust yourself off, and face the facts of life and your fears and hurt, when will you ever be ready? Old habits die hard, and I'd be willing to bet, if your escape is the bar today, it very well will be four weeks from now. And cowards never choose to change.

When will you stop numbing your pain and denying your fears? Isn't it time we all started trying to be the best versions of ourselves that we can? That we run towards our fears in the hopes and expectations to conquer them rather than cripple in their wake? Why are we so easily convinced that the mountain is much too tall to climb, that the future holds our destiny? We can just as easily choose to take life by the reins and run full-force in the direction that we so desperately hope that we deserve, deep down. Stop quivering at the unknown, belittling yourself to the sum of your mistakes and do something about it now. Now is all that you can be sure of.

Complacency is easy for the coward. He lives barricaded in by his own fears and hurt, so that he never experiences what was in store for him had he only chosen to grow and take a few chances. Discomfort is the home of the brave. They throw themselves into situations, never expecting failure, but hoping for lessons. If they fall down, they rise stronger; if they are hurt, they never shut themselves away, but instead see the lessons they were able to take from their pain. There is something unbelievably powerful in feeling the emotions that you have. Experiencing them in full, soaking them in their rawest, realest state.

So, you can choose to numb yourself every night with that bottle of whiskey, you can avoid your fears and your pain by numbing yourself, but at the end of the day, the buzz wears off and you wake up feeling worse off than you did before. And in that moment where you wake up and wonder how you got here, and why it is that your world so violently spirals out of control, I hope you get up and choose to feel. And whatever you feel, I hope it changes you. I hope it shapes you and causes you to take action... I hope you choose to do something to change it.

Icy waters

I guess I'm angry because I was so vulnerable. I shared my heart and the deepest, not so pretty parts of me, only to never be let in. And that's why it should be so easy to walk away: because you never let me all the way in. You were always hiding a part of yourself from me, but I ignored it, and kept sharing pieces of me hoping you'd eventually exchange some of you in return.

Well that never happened. And so here I am, looking back on it all now thinking how stupid I was, how thoughtless it was for me to be so real and so vulnerable with someone who was never even sure of what he wanted. A part of me wants to regret that I did, but then another part knows that everything has happened the way that it was supposed to-- something I have to force myself to trust. But some days I wake up, and that faith doesn't make it any easier. You told me to be strong, though, and so strong I will be. Strong in the knowledge that to be honest, you and I both have some growing up to do.

Someone once described the sensation of being thrown into icy water as "hitting you like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body." Upon those first moments in the water, you can't breathe, you can't think about anything except for the pain. Many people have compared a breaking heart to the sensation of being thrown into icy water. Ironically enough, I have recently experienced both, and I can agree. But the thing about being thrown into icy water is, that while it hurts at first in shocking, breath-taking pain, eventually it numbs you and the pain disappears almost as quickly as it came. A part of me excused certain actions of yours that hurt me, but when it comes down to it, I excused you all too often. I was blinded by the amazing person that you are, underneath it all, the amazing person that you can choose to be. But some of the time, you didn't choose to be that person... and I needed you to. But the person that this experience has shaped me into isn't even sad about the change, just about how it all went. I'm not one to hold grudges or ever be bitter; I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason.

I know that without you, I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. So, I do have a lot to thank you for. But I also have to thank you for making me realize my worth and that fighting against the urge to settle is a fight I deserve to persevere through. You deserve to grow into the incredible young man that you have the potential to be, and that isn't possible with me in your life. I don't know why, but I think both of us know very well that we are in different places in our lives, both mentally and physically. I have been told to never regret anything that once made you happy. I don't regret you. I never will be capable of convincing myself of that. Instead, I am thankful and optimistic about what the future holds for each of us. Who knows where the future will lead us?

I hope that you know how privileged you are to have been let into my heart so intimately, so selflessly, and that I wouldn't change knowing you. I hope you choose to grow into the wonderfully devoted, loyal, and selfless man that I knew for a time; and that you choose to be the best version of yourself everyday. Live in today and never yesterday. I hope that you don't beat yourself up too much when you realize how little you gave; allow it to change you. Lord knows we both need to.

And when you're thrown out into the real world, and the thousands of knives stab all over your body in fear and pain; when the real world and it's demands steal your breath and make it impossible to think just like when that icy water hit me, I hope you think of how I got up, got out, and handled it with grace and dignity. I hope you remember that you're the one that threw me into the water in the first place, the one that gave this up. I ask you to be strong for me then like I have been strong for you now.

Time

I hate change. I hate that empty, gut-wrenching moment when you look back at an empty room that is still so full of memories and laughs, and you have to turn around and walk away. Tears fill your eyes and goodbyes never seem to go easily, but life doesn't stop when you feel overwhelmed. It never stops, no matter what. And life goes on, despite the heartache of nostalgia and the fear of what is to come next. The clock ceaselessly ticks on, even in those moments when we desperately wish it wouldn't. But if we never embrace the change, if we never turn our backs on the old room, how will we ever experience the beautiful memories to come with the next?

There's no sense in holding onto something that is already gone, it just prevents us from stepping forward and experiencing the new adventure that awaits. Tears swell up in my eyes looking at my half-empty room, wondering where the hell the time went? How is my sophomore year already gone? How is my brother graduating? Everything seems to be moving in fast-forward and I cannot keep up. I realize how I haven't cherished my life. My every moment; the hard ones, the good ones, the unbelievable ones, the boring ones, the ones where I was afraid or alone, the times when I was so full of life and love, the ones where I could hardly pull myself up in the mornings. I should cherish them all. Every moment, every breath. The days where I am bored and alone, the days where I am delighted in the fun and company of others. I will never get a moment back, ever. Why waste a moment in anger? In bitterness? Sad or regretful?

Looking back on this year, I choose to look forward. I thank God for the memories and for the time I had here, but I plan to cherish every moment at home for the summer, and every last moment of my Junior year. Time moves all too fast and before I know it, I will be looking back on my life wondering how I became 85? I plan to look back in fulfillment and gladness; I never want to ask, "what if?"

Thankful.

It wouldn't be right to open my hands and accept a new year without reflecting on my years past. Not dwell; simply reflect. This was originally supposed to be a Thanksgiving post, but family festivities and schoolwork prevented that from happening. Because, while stuffing my face with turkey and squash casserole, surrounded by a beautifully supportive family, every part of me was thankful for the progress I have made in my life. Thankful for the progress the Lord, ultimately, has made with my heart.

Last Thanksgiving, during the few days before heading home, I was facing serious temptations to cut my life short. Every fiber of my being wanted my time here on earth to be over. Upon arriving home, my ability to see life for what it really was was clouded by the focus I held on life's negativities, disappointments, and on the hurt that I had previously experienced. I was unable to recognize the true beauty of life, the many, many, undeserved blessings that had been poured out over my life in surplus, because all my negative mindset could do was complain. I'm embarrassed by how ungrateful I was.

The woman that I was a year ago today was one of negative outlook, scathed by life's disappointments, bitter in resentment, miserable yet unwilling to make effective changes, and trapped in her own anxieties and stubbornness. The Lord was doing incredible things with my heart during that time, and I attempted to cling to his words and what I knew to be true, but I was prideful and unable to see my own failings. Thankfully, this was all apart of his plan; He was molding me into a beautiful story for His own purpose.

A year has now past, and, though I fail daily at reading my Bible, (it has remained untouched for some time now), and though church has been a very evident struggle in my life lately, I know that I am still His precious child. I know that He saw me through the hardest days of my life and that He saved me from my own self-hatred and called me worthy and beautiful. And though, I sin and fail him everyday; I am unbelievably stubborn, I curse under my breathe and out loud in drunken stupor, I choose frat parties over FCA nearly every week; not any of this makes me any less qualified to praise the Lord for the progress of my life.

Some of you may laugh, "what progress? It seems to me you have backtracked..." Well, maybe that is the way that you see it. But the way that I see it, I am surrounded by people who have taught me to laugh at myself. Who have looked at me without any judgment, who have clearly and openly identified with my struggles, who are not, by any means, afraid to admit their struggles. This year has been an unbelievable year. A year where I have met so many people instead of sitting in my room frowning upon their recreational activities. A year where I have made mistakes, many, and learned incredible amounts about my character from them. I have learned what kind of woman I want to be and taken evident steps to eventually progress into that woman. I have looked at the mirror and accepted what I saw, more than accepted, I have been confident in who I am.

So, in terms of progress, I absolutely am in love with my life. I enjoy every minute of it. I smile more, I have more people that I know personally. And these, they are all successes. My morals and my beliefs that I so heavily focused on last year have spilled over into the way that I relate to people and carry myself this year. The Lord has done a great deal in teaching me how to be humble and not think of myself as better than anyone.

It's purely simple. I'm not. I am by no means qualified to preach at anyone and have a great deal of cleaning up to do, but I do want to emphasize that I am celebrating the fact that I am free from my depression, I am free from my self-loathing, and I do plan on riding this precious life of mine out to the very last breathe. I hope that this post has inspired you. I hope that you realize,

"you don't need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfection." 

-Wilson Kanadi

"So count the ways He loves, a thousand, more, never stop, that when you wake in the morning you can't help but turn humbly to the east, unfold your hand to the heavens, and though you tremble and though you wonder, though the world is ugly, it is beautiful and you can slow, you can trust, and you can receive each moment as grace. Eucharisteo."  

-Ann Voskamp

That we may have life

Trying to wrap my head around the complexities of life right now and all I can do is smile. I love the surprises that life throws at you when least expected, I love the way that things fall together into what can only be best described by "disordered perfection." And although the layout of my college schedule day-to-day looks quite similar, each day holds a new adventure so that I am never dully navigating my way through life.

And that's what I never want to do- coast through life without any excitement, anticipation or passion. I want to grasp each day fully, with every fiber of my being, and I want to soak up life's experiences before it is too late. I couldn't wish for a better condition of the present; I am far too blessed beyond reason, I have done nothing to deserve the gifts that are so constantly poured out over my life and those gifts that are to come. Everything is perfect- even though I face the daily stresses of workloads and confusion in class and time passes all too quickly for me to even try to stay up to pace, it is disordered in the best way possible, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

And none of this is thanks to myself, but I can only point upwards and know that I am so small and seemingly insignificant, and yet, my every moment is planned out and my every hair on my head has been counted and these blessings, these situations, they are a result of the most beautiful love story ever to be shared. And it's a reality. And so, why not love? Why not embrace life passionately, why not seek relationships that glorify He who has provided us with everything we could ever need... and more?

And so I will love. And I will seek, desperately, with every ounce of energy that I have, to live life to the full. That is why He came.