"Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness."

I've always been curious about Paul's willingness to thank God in the middle of his intense suffering. His faith has always been something I've admired but never thought attainable. But I've had a taste of what he was feeling. I've had the privilege to see what raw, nothing-to-give-but-words-faith means first hand. After battling overwhelming anxiety and hopeless depression, God's plan for my life became unclear and it was incredibly hard to thank Him or even spend quality time with Him in the midst of so many things falling apart in my life. "Why would God do this to me?" When I couldn't figure out the answer, I became calloused and frustrated.

What I didn't realize was that a lot of times, God brings us through hardships we normally wouldn't have asked for, in order to bring restoration and renewal to our lives. Sometimes, when we ask God to create a change in heart of someone we know, when we ask God to help us be a tool in their lives, it is so easy to get caught up in the words and forget the seriousness behind what we are asking for. Being a representative for Christ is something I should take very seriously. It is by no means easy, we can read the Bible and see countless examples of that, but it is, without a doubt, the best way.

For the longest time, I have been praying for healing in one of my relationships, praying that God would give them a change in heart and allow them to once again see His beauty. I had been praying for the ability to be an example and to love them through their season so that they might return back to God. It took me far too long to wonder, could my anxiety and depression be the answers to my prayer? From my entire struggle with my anxiety, depression, self-harm, and self-hatred, and from my countless failed attempts to truly thank God in the middle of everything, I have seen the person I've continually prayed for become curious for God again. Pick up their Bible for the first time in months. Pray. "Your faith has caused me to renew mine," they said.

When I responded with frustration and anger, when I questioned God's goodness and plans for my life, He was piecing together a beautiful story. Not only did He restore their faith and their hope, but he also grew me in mine and humbled me.

Yes, Lord. If I have to carry this load on my back to further your glory, give me the strength to. If I have to endure these hardships so that your Name can be known, give me the ability to. Give me the faith to walk in this storm with grace, so that others can come to know You and experience Your faithfulness.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

-Isaiah 61:1-3