Stirrings

Restless. I am so restless and frustrated. Mainly with the fact that apparently, I don't deserve a response to the outpouring of my heart, with the fact that I never received an apology from my "best friend", and with the fact that the person that loves to invite me over at night doesn't ever want to talk about my heart or how I'm doing. And then, tonight, my absolute best friend left me without a ride after an event, left me to walk in the dark and the cold all alone. It's moments like this where even the smallest things can cut me deeper than most would be affected by it, but these actions reaffirm the worthlessness spoken into me.

And this anger stirs in my soul, a rage I know is not healthy or admirable, but a rage nonetheless. Part of me wants to throw things, to yell and demand what I deserve from the most significant people in my life, but another part of me wants to burst into tears because I even have to think of doing so. That it is even necessary for me to ask of those people what I should have been receiving all along, but I suppose life is not fair.

And they say that if you're living within unhappy circumstances to change them. To take initiative. And I fully support that statement, and I sometimes do live it out. And I would now, if it was achievable. But the unhappy circumstances are due to other people's actions towards me. And I can't change them. I can cut some of them out of my life, but some... I am required to live with. To put up with on a day to day basis. And my heart aches so much right now that my mind almost wanders to running away. Not telling a soul where I'm going and just live without these barriers and these people that hurt me, but then I remember that they also love me, too. And I'm being negative and overdramatic.

But nonetheless, I bought myself flowers tonight. So I have them here to remind me, well hey, at least I love myself, right?