why I'm fine with not being a 'good Christian'

"We cannot change our own hearts, but neither can we resist the change that God is determined to accomplish in us." -Barbara Duguid

In God's time, we grow in our relationship with Him. Despite our failings, He loves us the same because we are right where he intends for us to be.

"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born, she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy... I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.     -John 16:21-22, 33

Here, Jesus turns his disciples' grief into joy. "In all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds" (2 Cor. 7:4). God comforts the downcast and Godly sorrow leaves no regret. It brings earnestness, it produces longing and concern, it produces longing and concern, a readiness to see justice done.


He has set out to accomplish in all of us a wonderful plan written on his heart from the beginning. We have been on his mind and heart from the beginning!


He is saying, you may experience trouble, hardship, sorrows, pain, but it will give birth to joy. His plan always gives birth to joy. So we can stop trying to be "better" and forget the ludicrous idea that he is always disappointed in how we continually keep sinning and never seem to get any better.


We need him for strength, so he has allowed us to be weak. We need his joy, so he has allowed us to face troubles and pain.


His plan is far greater than we can tell, and hallelujah for that! It is all in His timing, he is working in our lives and allowing us to grow along his timetable. So, today I will stop trying to change my own heart (as if I even have that capability), and I will accept with open arms, and realize there's no avoiding, the changes he wants to bring to my heart — and why would I want to avoid them? They're what's best for me. For us. 


So I'm not a disappointment, you're not a disappointment. I'm not too dirty, I don't have to feel bad for failing miserably at being a 'good Christian.' "Abundant joy here and now in Christ is our birthright and inheritance." No matter what. He meets us where we are. While I stare blankly at the truth of my sinful habits, my continual failings, I realize that Jesus hung on the cross for these specific sins. Where it might be typical to expect rebuke, disappointment, and rejection from our Savior, we actually can find ourselves "standing before a bleeding Jesus, naked, ashamed, and exposed, extending love, compassion, and infinite patience with my brokenness and weakness" (Barbara Duguid). 


So I'm okay with not being a 'good Christian' and with not always having it all together. I'm okay with failing and being a mess 99% of the time, because He meets me there! He extends his love as far as He needs to. And his love brings joy, and that's what it's all about... a Savior willing to love the most sinful. 


Praise Jesus! Let's walk in that joy today. 





I highly recommend reading "Extravagant Grace" by Barbara Duguid. Her book is inspired by The Letters of John Newton and is extremely powerful. This blogpost was inspired by reading her first two chapters, and I by no means take credit for her ideas, but simply wanted to share what I am learning from her teaching.

joy is still attainable

It was a moment of inexplicable hope, one filled with great joy. Like the moment a treasure hunter first sees the glimmer of gold uncovered from digging into the earth. He reaches, he holds it in his hands and dusts off the soil, and it sparkles in the light.

The first glimmer of real hope — the day a baby drew his first breath. The world paused for a moment; there was finally hope. His feet walked upon this same earth, he stumbled along similar paths, for our God is able to sympathize with us, because he "has been tempted in every way just as we are — yet was without sin" (Hebrews 4:15).

And with the scars on his hands, with miraculous breath in his lungs, he proclaimed that he would leave us, only to come back one day. The savior who had been seen hanging from a cross was standing before his followers, alive again, to make another promise that would one day be fulfilled.

And, here we are living in the in-between. And the world we face is much different than the world our savior left behind. It's only grown more gray and gloomy and, honestly, sometimes my feet ache from just walking day to day in such a hopeless looking world. But then I look down, and I remember I am glad.

Hidden treasure. A glimmer of hope. Are you digging?

When I entered my freshman year of college, the world scared me more than it delighted me. Don't get me wrong, the world is scary, but there is beauty everywhere. A reason to be glad. A reason for joy.

I'd wake in the mornings and stir in my bed and roll back over because it was hard to see the beauty hidden in my dorm room. It was hard to see any beauty through the fog of depression, which so easily entraps us and blinds us to the hidden beauty God gives us each day.

Can you see it? The gifts poured out for us?

Just in time for Christmas, I was relishing on the moment when our precious savior won my heart back over. I remembered the way he began to stir in me and shake me, saying "If you don't look for me, you won't find me!" After he spoke to me, I finally understood. I was tickled.

I began to actively write down the gifts he gave me every day, from one to a thousand, and my heart was overflowing. The day I sat in the chair and watched a man with a needle write on my foot, I knew there was no turning back. I am glad. No matter my circumstances.

In the Bible, the Lord states that if we are looking for insight, for understanding (whether that be during hard times or just in an every day situation) and if we look for it like hidden treasure, then we will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God (Proverbs 2:1-5).

Understanding God, understanding the fear of God is the key to joy. But we have to look for it, everywhere, we have to search for it like hidden treasure, in every inch of earth, to find the glimmer of joy that comes with knowing God. Joy is active. 

Search for it as hidden treasure.

This is important. A vital message to excelling in our relationship with God. For too long, I sat in my dorm room and cried and prayed for the Lord to give me joy. What I didn't realize was that he had already given it to me. I just had to look for it. Like hidden treasure, I had to find a reason to give thanks. I had to fight to accept what he had already poured out for me on that day when his head hung low and his flesh was wounded.

I almost gave up on this life, I almost stayed in the confines of my depression, afraid to venture out. But in my sadness, he wooed me, he called to me in the darkest of my days and he begged of me to search actively for his love.

It's all around us! Can you find it?

No matter our circumstances, there is always a reason to be glad in the light of his presence. I am glad. Whether we sense his presence or not, he is with us; whether we feel it or not, he understands us completely. He walked this same earth. He felt our same hurt. If anyone can, he is able to sympathize with us. Our precious Lord was wounded for our sake.

Let us not fall complacently into depression that is so easy to get comfortable in during these days. Let us search actively, every day for a hint of his love. Sprinkled throughout our days, his love is disguised in the most beautiful ways, we simply have to find it. If we blind ourselves to his kindness with negativity, we won't find him. But if we continue communicating with him, opening our hands and thanking him for the warm shower, the one flower that has bloomed in the bush, the bird that sang on our window-pane, etc. our mood will lighten. We will find ourselves in inexpressible and glorious joy.

Let's become treasure hunters today, and unfold our hands to the creator of the earth. Let us not only find his love, but thank him for the many gifts he has poured out on us today and every day. Digest them as gifts, that we so undeservingly are awarded with each day.

If we don't look for him, we will never find him. So let's start looking.

a reflection of the most beautiful love story

Dear handsome,

Do you know what's fun?

The crooked grin you give me right before you tell me I'm adorable.

The gentleness in your eyes when you lock them with mine. The way your lips purse as though you could kiss me while we FaceTime.

The way I can see your heart break when I cry, even if you aren't here. And if you are, the way you wipe those tears and kiss my forehead wrinkles from worrying too much.

It's the way your hand fits flawlessly in mine, and feels so soft against my skin. The way you can make me cry by telling me how beautiful I am. How you love every inch of me, and praise the parts of me I hate the most.

The thing that I find the most fun is knowing that I get to marry you. Because I'm gonna... just you wait. And it's going to be more beautiful than a fairytale wedding, because it's two broken people finding the love of our God in the love they give each other. And that's pretty cool.

And it's all pretty cool because, while we credit our friends to introducing us, really it was him all along. He was scheming the day we were both born. Our very first breaths, he knew the troubles we'd overcome and the great joy we'd find when we found each other. He giggled at the thought that we'd finally have a tiny glimpse into the kind of love he provides.

And that's the craziest thing of all. That this love is just so imperfect compared to his. Because it feels so perfect to me. Even when you drive me crazy with your jokes and how you know exactly how to get under my skin, this love of ours is the best thing I've seen here on earth.

And I can't wait for our lives together. Till you hold my hands in yours, and slide that ring on my finger and-- well I'm gonna cry, just know that. Because the way you pursue me and chase me even when I fail you daily is just a representation of how well he loves us. How he calls us back to him every single time we stray, how he tells me I'm his and he never left me when I stumble, defeated, back into his "bedroom." He cups my face and asks me why I settled for so much less than I deserved. He calls me his even when I'm the messiest of them all, while he stands there in perfection.

So, here's to us. Thank you for loving me. Every goofy, nerdy, silly part of me. But most of all, thanks for loving the parts of me that are messy, that are complicated and dark. The parts of me I don't tell many people. The parts of me I try to ignore. The coldest parts of me are made warm with your words of love and adoration. You remind me of our wonderful creator in how you adore me. How you praise the parts of me I've never wanted to share.

I suppose that's the blessing of relationships. That's why he's called us to be in relationship with one another. And so, I can only hope to do the same for you. To love you when you're at your lowest, to love the deepest, darkest parts of you. I can't imagine losing you, handsome. Because I'm yours forever, now.

Our God is so humble. The way he allows other people-- his creations-- to draw us back to him when all the while, he wasn't good enough? He understands a humans heart. He understands how hard it is to imagine something that seems so foreign. But it doesn't seem so foreign now. Because I've experienced the kind of love that could win battles. I've experienced the kind of love that could tear down walls. And now I understand that we're not simply placed here, pursuing whatever we want.

How can the world not see it? The love poured out around us, everywhere? Oh it's simply the most beautiful awakening I've ever had.

So let's take on this life together. Let's learn and pursue him more than we pursue ourselves. Because without Him, would there even be love on this earth? We are so very blessed.

I love you,

Your sweetheart

in the midst of a dark & scary world

In the darkest of times, that is when the lights shine the brightest.

He promises us he is coming. Advent. 

Lord, we are waiting.

In a world breaking out in war and brutal attacks, all we can seem to see is darkness all around us. It enfolds us, suffocating our hope. Suffocating the light that is so easy to carry when all is well. But it is necessary to carry it in the darkest of times.

When the beauty in the world is hard to identify, to pick out among the wreckage, it can seem almost impossible to muster up the enthusiasm to celebrate the coming of another Christmas like we have done so many times before. It can seem forced when the world feels cold and dark and scary and it doesn't seem possible to see any source of hope, to find any source of light. It can be hard to get up in the mornings and be patient and trust.

Coming, he promises. 

And he is coming. So pull out the tinsel, untangle the strands of light, and prop yourself up against the strength of his branches this season. Sometimes the only way to stay standing is to latch yourself to someone stronger. He is our hope. And he invites us to lean against him, always. When you turn off your lights and admire the tree this season, remember that it is his light that shines brightly in the midst of the darkest of days.

This is no time to lose hope, this is the time to lean against him and to ask him for strength, for a reason to hope. He will help you stand up during your hardest days. He will support you, if you put all of your weight and worries on him.

Imagine how many people don't know the refuge they have in our Lord? Imagine those who have never heard his promises and who face this ugly world without the hope of knowing about his light? We are called to be his light. For the world. For those who are scared and have no tree, no strands of light in their households this season and always. So light up your tree, because he came the first time, and he will surely come again. Advent. We must be expecting him.

Behold, "the true light that gives light to every man is coming into the world!" (John 1:9) On the darkest days of the year, it is his light that brings hope to those who know of his promises. He is coming back to bring hope to the hopeless, and we have the greatest message of hope to share with the world in the midst of this darkness- that we know the true light! 

Coming. Does the world know that the true light is coming?

dancing in the Lord's grace

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:22-23

The sun has been missing for some time now, despite it's startling appearance for the duration of yesterday; the upstate of South Carolina (and the majority of the south) has been experiencing an incredible amount of rain. 

It started as misty, muggy rain, and has now evolved into a torrential downpour that shows no sign of stopping. Naturally, this makes me and most of the general population a little irritable and upset. I've become tired of being cooped up in buildings, and so, today, my boredom brought me to sit and watch the rain from my window. And as I was watching the rain drizzle, as I listened to the crackle of it hitting the asphalt, I thought about the symbolism of rain, about the way God uses rain, about Noah and the forty days he spent in an ark while outside it was flooding. (And to think, I'm getting irritable just after a week).

The Lord was grieved at the fact that he had made man. The amount of wickedness, evil, and sin on earth was to the point that the Lord couldn't stand. He didn't have to make us. But he did. He shared in his creations, and for the second time, man had let him down.

Our Savior, who had created everything, who had shared his perfect world with a man and woman, who had given them everything except for one thing. And then, they let him down because that one thing he told them they couldn't have, they wanted to the point that they forgot all that God had done for them, that they had doubted his faithfulness.

And sin entered the world, and they hid, and their eyes were opened, and yet God still provided. He covered them in suitable clothes, and he sent them from the garden. But he didn't kill them then and there. Our God is gracious.

And then, years later, he is grieving that the second chance he gave his children wasn't enough. That they have turned their backs so far, that they have chosen sin, yet again, over Him. And yet, our Father is gracious to a fault. He sees Noah. He chooses Noah. And Noah obeys, the rain ensues, Noah is cooped up in an ark for forty days and nights while men and women struggle and fight and take their last breathes on the earth.

I look outside and I think about how faithful our God is. Because I know that when the flood was over, he promised to never destroy the earth by flood again. He created the rainbow to remind us of this covenant he made with us.

We should know that it is not by our capabilities that we aren't going to be destroyed from the face of this earth. We should know that the Lord, still, is grieving when he looks at us. He is grieving because he knows that we are constantly choosing sin over Him. He won't break his promise, it's not in his nature to go back on it. But that doesn't mean we should look out our windows and take for granted the fact that, today, I still have life. He has granted me another day. His compassions are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness. He sent his son, and I don't have to drown. He sent his son, and yes I still fail him but somehow his love covers all sin.

Water is mentioned in the Bible 722 times. One time is the flood. The others range from creation, baptisms, washing of sins, and miracles. It's pretty cool that I've had a week where, everyday, I can walk out and see something that should remind me of his faithfulness. Rain. A downpour. His grace.

I think about when the Lord literally made it rain bread to provide for his children in Exodus 16. About when the prayers for rain were granted, and the Lord sent rain, and the crops bore fruit. I think of him sprinkling water over the heads of those who had chosen to be baptized, and to follow him. I think of him standing up and calming the storm and asking, "Why were you so afraid?" As if to ask us, do you not know I'm faithful?

I know it's a stretch, but I'm going to walk out these next couple of days and try to get myself in the habit of feeling the raindrops as His grace. I'm going to smile and know that his grace washes over my sins, that he has made me new. I'm going to thank him for forgiving me, and I'm going to try to forgive myself for constantly letting him down. I'm going to thank him for always being faithful, and not expecting me to be perfect. And I'm going to open my palms and accept the grace he has provided me, I am going to sip of his living water and dance in his everlasting mercy.

Hallelujah, we have a God who is so faithful.

I delight in your deliverance

"If you are returning to the Lord with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods... and commit yourselves to the Lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you..." -1 Samuel 7:3

Each evening, when we lay our heads down and reflect on our day, our mistakes, our successes, may we return to the Lord. May we confess that yes, today, I have failed you. He's never surprised by that. Nor disgusted. His heart swells because we are dragging our feet into his bedroom, our heads hanging low, and telling him, I am guilty, and I am sorry.

We drag our feet because it is hard. Nobody likes to feel like a disappointment, especially not to the perfect Creator of the universe. But, the good news is that we are not disappointments, but made in his image. We are fallen, but with him, when we pursue him with all our hearts, with our whole hearts, we can rise.

So we commit to this relationship, a relationship of messy "I'm sorry's" and constant failings, but a relationship that shatters the earthly picture we have of love into a thousand pieces. When we choose to commit to this relationship, we deny committing ourselves to perfection, to what the world has to offer, we commit to falling in love with God instead of falling in love with the world. What a better alternative!

The cost of falling in love with the world is the peace of knowing that our identity is wrapped up in a perfect, holy God. It will cause us to become like the broken-hearted Hannah at the beginning of 1 Samuel, who wraps up her identity in her performance and actions. (Sort of like how we wrap up our identity in our appearance, our successes, our things). It isn't until Hannah falls on her knees and wholeheartedly commits herself to the Lord, saying "Oh Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life" (1 Samuel 1:11).

She falls on her knees and claims that it is not of her capability that she could bear a son. It is not about her. And that is what we must realize when we embark on this beautiful relationship. That it is not of our capability to be worthy, but yet he calls us worthy. That it is not about me. It is not about you. It is and always has been solely about God. And we should delight in that!

After Hannah was blessed with Samuel, she prayed to the Lord and she exclaimed, "My heart rejoices in the Lord... for I delight in your deliverance" (1 Samuel 2:1).

I look at this picture, this picture of a woman wrapped up in trying to be successful, who simply wants to have a son. Something that she is supposed to be able to do, but cannot. I look at Samuel leading the Israelites against the Philistines, and how he beckons them to return to the Lord and lay aside their idols and foreign gods, and my heart is moved. I hear the call in my own life, I hear the Lord's sweet voice beckoning me to come back to him. Every morning, to come back to him and only him.

I so easily become entangled in the fairytale of this world, this idea of the future, perfecting the imaginings of a life to come- a life revolving around my own desires. And I realize that when I'm chasing after this ideal world, this fairytale the world has to offer, there will always be a hole in my heart, an ache in my soul, saying that there must be something more. No matter how pinterest-perfect my world is, no matter how thin, how fit I am, there will always be a desiring not filled in my heart because the Lord made us that way. He made us in his image; we are supposed to desire what he does! That is the only way we will ever be fully satisfied.

So, I picture myself as a young child approaching a patient Father, laying down my most treasured items at his feet (my successes, my idea of a perfect body, my idea of a perfect future- the things that I think will make me most happy) and reaching for his hand so that he can lead me in the direction of his guidance.

I want to delight in his deliverance, to chase after him with my whole heart, I want to fall so deeply in love with our perfect Father, because this world simply will not do. It leaves me aching, beaten down, defeated, just as the Israelites were when they praised their foreign gods, just as Hannah was when she realized her incapability. The true story of success is following God even when he guides us into defeat, through heartache, because we will eventually be led to triumph!

So, let's return to God with our messy past, with our heartache, our failures, and let's commit ourselves to him every day. Let's delight in his deliverance, in who he is. When we delight in him, our hearts change from desiring our will to desiring his will over our lives. And his will be done, not ours... every time.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

the all-encompassing time

Trying to wrap my head around the complexities of life right now, and all I can do is smile. Smile at the way that things fall together, the surprises life throws at you. It really doesn't make sense to me how the chaos of today builds the very structure of tomorrow.

With time, someone I used to talk to every day has become a distant stranger, the ache in my heart from a goodbye has dulled, and I have met people and cared for people I didn't ever imagine meeting. The thing is, that if it had been up to me, if I could have chosen upon first instinct, I probably wouldn't have chosen the way that it went. Without being able to see the beauty that would be created from the wreckage of heartache, the throb of depression, the struggle to find myself, I likely would have chosen to stay where I was. I would have settled by making that choice, without even realizing it. But, thankfully, time ushered me on.

And I suppose that's the beauty of time, that you cannot see into it, and the way it forces us further into the journey of life. Time is the distance between who you are and who you want to be; the distance between who you were and who you have become. Did you use it wisely?

Time can heal old wounds, it can allow your heart to mend. It allows you a new slate, one provided every 24 hours, fresh with possibility. Time can also hurt those hours that are neglected, those moments of silence that you can't ever take back. Because time is a mirror of the heart. The things we dedicate our time to hold value to us, whether that be our studies, our work, our friends, or our family. Ultimately, we all know that time is fleeting; and therefore, it shouldn't be wasted.

We know that, we're told that. But do we really recognize the weight that comes with those words? Do we actually realize that we are responsible for the way we spend our time?

For the longest time, I was haunted by the way that loved ones can become strangers in almost the blink of an eye. It is haunting, how someone who used to be the first person you told things to can become someone you haven't talked to in a year. But that's only part of the story. You see, what can also happen in the blink of an eye is that strangers can become loved ones. And I think we forget the potential in that.

Humans are creatures of habit. We find our group, our friends, and we hardly ever branch out from them. And that's okay, we can't be friends with everyone. But, the potential that strangers carry is the potential for being shaped, the potential to be influenced, to be inspired. I know that oftentimes, I lose sight of the fact that the person in line with me at Starbucks is a person, just like myself, with struggles of their own, very similar to mine. And maybe a few shared sentences doesn't seem like much, but the fun in it is that there's genuinely nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

You never know what could spark from a smile, from a hushed joke or a laugh with a stranger. At the very least, it could make their day. At the most, it could change your life.

I think about the way I met one of my very best friends and how we were in line as freshmen here at Clemson. I can still remember every detail of the conversation. It was so simple in nature, small talk about what we expected from our year. If you had told me that friend would be the friend who would change my view on so many things, who would challenge me and believe in me when I didn't have the strength to do so myself, I would have been taken aback. But she was. And it all started with a little small talk. I wonder every now and then if that would be the case if we had never exchanged glances, smiled, and said "hi".

My mind also wanders to this sweet boy I recently met. How just a little conversation has sparked something that has so much potential. Something that I want to believe in, that I hope for. I think about how both of these people and I have discussed, between laughs, how far we have come from those first moments.

I know that through the ebb and flow of life, the hellos we at one time giggle about can become the hellos we shed a tear over. Because sometimes, they come with goodbyes. Or "see ya laters." But is that any reason to avoid the joy of the hello? Sure, it sucks, that gut-wrenching ache you feel when you begin the journey of letting go, but would you really trade the whole experience just to avoid the pain?

The way I see it, things happen for us at certain times because they're what we needed at that moment. Whether it be a relationship, a goodbye, or time alone. These events mold us into the people that we are. They are the stepping stones that lead to who we want to be. The hellos give us hope. The goodbyes force us to be strong. The time alone is to help us grow. And time encompasses all of these things.

I suppose the main thing I was trying to say was that time is beautiful, and complex, and scary, and yet so wonderful. It's also fleeting, but it's in our hands. It ushers us along when we need the assistance, but for the most part, we choose how we spend our time. We can spend it avoiding hellos for fear of the goodbyes that may or may not follow, we can spend it running from a goodbye for fear of the necessary hellos that will follow, or we can cherish both and trust the beautiful journey and how it will mold us. Time is the distance between who we are and who we want to be. Are we using it wisely?

ours is the God

It's impossible to deny it, the lights all aglow, the Christmas lists dragging on and on... and in the hustle and bustle of getting everything done, if you listen carefully, there's a calm whisper all around you- in the lights of the tree, the glow of the fire, it is everywhere, but you must notice it, "All is grace." All is grace, and we can slow down this Christmas and we can see it all around us, the story of Christmas, stitched into every moment of every chapter.

For a while, I used to get this notion that it was possible to be "too dirty" for God, that after a certain point I was unbearable, I was too complicated, too much of a disappointment to take on. And after a semester of learning about a vast number of different religions in one of my classes, I am reminded, again, of the beauty of our God. You see, in all of humanity's religions, man reaches after God. But in all His relationships, God reaches for man. 

Ann Voskamp says it beautifully, "[God] reaches for you who have fallen and scraped your heart raw, for you who feel the shame of words that have snaked off your tongue and poisoned corners of your life, for you who keep trying to cover up pain with perfectionism" (The Greatest Gift). God reaches for us, through the densest thicket of failure, amidst the storm of self loathing. 

He calls out to us, "Where are you?" and we tremble in our shame and our guilt, just like Adam and Eve hid after biting into the apple that had tempted them. "Where are you?" he beckons, he reaches.

Sometimes, when we hear him calling, our shame becomes too much, and instead of falling into his arms, we attempt to run from his presence. (Run from his presence? As if that is even a possibility...) But still, we run, full-fledged into a sprint the opposite way, delving further and further into our sins. We tell ourselves we are much too far now. We cannot come back from this. And our hearts become calloused, and we ache. And we tune out the whispering that all is grace. And we forget grace altogether. 

But despite our running, the Lord, our loving Father grabs us, pulls us in, begs of us to let him love us, to love our wounds, our hurt, our shame. He washes us of our shame and our guilt every day. And while he cradles us in his arms, he reminds us that he has made us new, hallelujah, and that our past will never scare him out of loving us.

"Where is he?" The wise men asked, the first question of the New Testament. And we hardly ever wondered why they were called wise men... "Where is he?" They came searching.

"We only find out where we are when we find out where He is. We only find ourselves... when we find Him."

The wise seek the presence of Christ in a thousand places, because they know that you only come to yourself when you come to Him. So when we run, when we sprint away from the question of where we are, when we sprint in the attempt to escape our shame in the presence of God, we are being the farthest thing from wise.

Why would we run from a God who skipped telling us the steps to take to him and took the step down to us? Why would we run from the God who carries us, the ones who are bone weary of all the trying and the striving? Because we forget grace. We forget to listen for the whisper.

"He comes to us not in spite of our failings- but precisely because of them. Ours is the God who is drawn to those who feel down. Ours is the God who is attracted to those who feel abandoned. Ours is the God who is bound to those who feel broken."

This is grace. This is reason to slow. This is not to be missed. If we simply linger in the doorway, stare at the tree, watch the glow of the fire, it's strange, but you can see it. That Jesus came down, he is our ladder, he is love. Grace is what carries us all the way home, but we must see it. We must hear it in the midst of our failures, in the midst of our trying and our hiding. We cannot hide from this grace, it is much too miraculous, it is much too loving. He seeks us out, he calls out to us "where are you?" and he wraps us in the clothes of his grace. He covers our nakedness with his grace, he covers our shame with his grace. We must not miss this!

There are ten days until Christmas. Ten days until our Savior is born. Can you feel it, the coming? We should slow, we should praise. We should wake, and our hearts should pour out, and we should ask, "where is he?" We should find him on our knees, we should delve further into his grace, snuggle up into his arms, and we should wait. Wait for the coming, for the wonder, that while God looks at us in our lowest, he loves us all the way up to the sky. He sent his son. Ours is the God who is grace, who is love, who cannot be avoided, who should not be missed.

running with peace

Our heavenly Father came that we may have life and have it to the full. How often do we settle for so much less? We compromise living in his peace so that we can fill our schedules with endless to-do lists and carry the stresses of our day to day tasks on our own shoulders, complaining to our friends, "I'm just so weighed down and stressed... I never stop!"

Oh that's so me. This week is my last week home before going back to Clemson for my Junior year, and let me tell you... I have my hands full. Between sanding and painting furniture and planning my dream room for my apartment, I have also been nannying and squeezing in those last minute appointments so everything is in order when I get back for the fall semester. This morning, I had scheduled a hair appointment- a not so dire need, but more of a reward, something to treat myself. Needless to say, I had been looking forward to it all week. It was going to make me feel pretty and excited to be heading back to school (girls, I know you understand what I'm saying here). Well, I get a phone call this morning at 9:15, telling me my appointment was at 9:00, even though I am adamant that they had told me 9:30, and that I would have to settle for an appointment tomorrow with someone else or just not have one at all. I was furious. I was cold and short with the poor receptionist on the other end of the line, saying I lived an exact 2 minutes away and could be there right then- but no; that wasn't possible, the hair stylist would then be behind for all of her other appointments. And I'm thinking, "so WHAT?" My morning wasn't going how I planned. I hung up with her so angry, I tossed my fork from breakfast into the sink and slammed a couple drawers. How would I survive?! The one thing I was looking forward to today was not happening anymore and so my whole day was now going to be ruined.

Well thanks to the lack of hair appointment, I had some extra time to kill before heading off to nanny. So I spent some time reading from a book for my bible study and, ironically, (it's never coincidence with the Lord) the chapter was on laying aside anxiety and running with peace.

Halfway through the chapter, I was humbled with the realization that the Lord wanted me to miss my hair appointment so that I would, like the selfish person I am, come to Him all whiney, expecting some consolation. He was actually demanding time from me because I hadn't set it aside myself. Because I was so stressed and had too much to do! (How we ever have so much to do that we can't spend a few waking moments with our Savior who created us and redeemed us from sin, I have yet to understand)

I began to realize how selfish and silly it was for me to be so upset about something so minuscule not going my way. The Lord literally had to slap me across the face with what He was trying to teach me. (Sometimes, I like to think the Lord would literally slap me across the face had he been standing there in the flesh) I was being prideful and stubborn in the way I was carrying myself, claiming to be stressed and a little anxious about this coming semester, but not bringing these worries to Him because I could do it on my own. Well maybe I could, but look at how that was going for me... me almost to the point of tears because a hair appointment was missed... the Lord did not want me to live this way!

The words of the chapter were clear on that. Jerry Bridges states,

"Because God cares for you, you can cast your anxiety on Him. Do not get these thoughts reversed. The text does not say, 'If you cast your anxieties on Him, He will care for you.' His care is not conditioned on our faith and our ability to cast our anxiety on Him; rather, it is because He does care for us that we can cast our anxiety on Him."

God cares for me so unbelievably much that He desires for me to cast my anxiety on Him because he cares for me and does not want me to live a stressed and restless life! He desires for me to experience His peace and the joy that comes with casting my stresses on Him- but in order to do that, I have to set aside time with Him... which I hadn't been doing. Perhaps it was partly because I was prideful and didn't want the Lord's help because I felt capable on my own, and partly because I felt burdensome and didn't want to ask for His peace over such silly worries and troubles.

But Charles Spurgeon writes,

"When I am tossed to and fro with various reasonings, distractions, questionings, and forebodings, I will fly to my true rest. From my sinful thoughts, my vain thoughts, my sorrowful thoughts, my griefs, my cares, my conflicts, I will hasten to the Lord; he has divine comforts, and these will not only console but actually delight me. How sweet are the comforts of the Spirit! Who can muse upon eternal love, immutable purposes, covenant promises, finished redemption, the risen Saviour, his union with his people, the coming glory, and such like themes without feeling his heart leaping with joy? The little world within us, like the great world without, is full of confusion and strife; but when Jesus enters it, and whispers, "Peace be unto you," there is a calm, yea, a rapture of bliss."

I think that only the comfort of the Lord has the ability to actually delight us, bring us such joy that we can experience a rapture of bliss... that is why He clearly begs us, continually reminds us, "be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God." It is when we dedicate our time to Him, come to Him humbled and looking for rest, literally make a gap in our schedule, sacrifice whatever it takes, whether it be a hair appointment or coffee with a friend, that we can experience this peace that He offers to us, the peace that "transcends all understanding" that "will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:4-7)

I am so thankful for this lesson today. Humbled. The Lord had to take something away from me that I was looking forward to, but He knew that this is what I needed instead. And since I wouldn't make time for Him myself, He forced me to have time for Him. Now I understand it shouldn't be that way. Why live stressed, on edge, when I can delight in the peace of the Lord and come to Him for rest and true joy? Stop settling for a not-so-full life. The Lord desires for us to experience joy and freedom from our anxieties if we only choose to make time for Him.

focus

I ask of myself, if the Lord were to ask me these things, how would I respond, truly?

"Does what I think matter to you? If I am pleased with you is that enough? If I want you to speak and no one responds, will you speak for just Me?"

Oh Lord, make it enough. Make it enough when you are pleased with me and no one else seems to be. Lord allow me to speak only for you- when no one else responds, encourages, can you make my heart open and soft enough to be content with your declarations of how you cherish me? Can you put away my selfish desire to be admired and change my focus to that of Paul- that your power and glory shining through me are what should be admirable? Help me to not waste my life dancing around for the love and applause of men, which leads to my destruction, but to dance for you; to live and run this race for you, which leads to my joy and ultimately, my purpose. You are better than what I have been focusing on. Will you fix my heart on drawing near to you and desiring to please only you?

"Am I now trying to win the approval of man, or of God? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Stepping stones

Sometimes, you have to be thankful for the people in your life that you've said goodbye to. Because even though they are no longer a part of your life personally, they were a stepping stone on your journey to who you've now become... and you can only hope that you were the same and that you are now beautifully who each of you are because of your lessons learned during those moments together. And those moments shouldn't haunt you; they shouldn't make you sad, because at the time, they made you happy and brought you wisdom. Sometimes, people are brought into our lives to teach us something worth learning, and then brought out of our lives so that we can put those lessons we learned into practice and transform into the best "us" that we can possibly be. And isn't that all we can ask for in life? To love and to learn and to be bettered by those who we come in contact with?

Crippled by fears

Avoiding fears and hurt can be fashioned in many ways. I have seen people so desperate to numb their pain, to avoid their fears, that they willingly throw themselves away in the process. Sure, it seems harmless at first, saying "just this once, it won't happen again," but then, a few weeks later, there you are and you feel like your world is spiraling out of control.

Maybe it was the careless way that you handled something, or maybe it is the innate fear that you will be a failure and make your parents' same mistakes. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown, or the fear that you will never be good enough. Fears can suffocate you and hurt you all the same. The brave ones in this world choose to face them, full-force; however, unfortunately, some spend so much time and energy attempting to run from them, they find themselves stumbling into the very thing they were afraid of... and by that point, it is oftentimes too late.

Every time the pain of an old heartache hits you, it is so much easier to tip back a Bud Light than it is to face reality and realize that maybe you were wrong. Maybe it was your fault and you were the one who handled things incorrectly. Cowards numb their pain, they run as far as they can away from being man enough to face them and not only admit that they were wrong, but do something to change it. Cowards bury themselves beneath distractions, only to tell themselves that right now is not the time.

Well, then tell me, when will be a good time? If you don't stand up on your two feet now, dust yourself off, and face the facts of life and your fears and hurt, when will you ever be ready? Old habits die hard, and I'd be willing to bet, if your escape is the bar today, it very well will be four weeks from now. And cowards never choose to change.

When will you stop numbing your pain and denying your fears? Isn't it time we all started trying to be the best versions of ourselves that we can? That we run towards our fears in the hopes and expectations to conquer them rather than cripple in their wake? Why are we so easily convinced that the mountain is much too tall to climb, that the future holds our destiny? We can just as easily choose to take life by the reins and run full-force in the direction that we so desperately hope that we deserve, deep down. Stop quivering at the unknown, belittling yourself to the sum of your mistakes and do something about it now. Now is all that you can be sure of.

Complacency is easy for the coward. He lives barricaded in by his own fears and hurt, so that he never experiences what was in store for him had he only chosen to grow and take a few chances. Discomfort is the home of the brave. They throw themselves into situations, never expecting failure, but hoping for lessons. If they fall down, they rise stronger; if they are hurt, they never shut themselves away, but instead see the lessons they were able to take from their pain. There is something unbelievably powerful in feeling the emotions that you have. Experiencing them in full, soaking them in their rawest, realest state.

So, you can choose to numb yourself every night with that bottle of whiskey, you can avoid your fears and your pain by numbing yourself, but at the end of the day, the buzz wears off and you wake up feeling worse off than you did before. And in that moment where you wake up and wonder how you got here, and why it is that your world so violently spirals out of control, I hope you get up and choose to feel. And whatever you feel, I hope it changes you. I hope it shapes you and causes you to take action... I hope you choose to do something to change it.

Icy waters

I guess I'm angry because I was so vulnerable. I shared my heart and the deepest, not so pretty parts of me, only to never be let in. And that's why it should be so easy to walk away: because you never let me all the way in. You were always hiding a part of yourself from me, but I ignored it, and kept sharing pieces of me hoping you'd eventually exchange some of you in return.

Well that never happened. And so here I am, looking back on it all now thinking how stupid I was, how thoughtless it was for me to be so real and so vulnerable with someone who was never even sure of what he wanted. A part of me wants to regret that I did, but then another part knows that everything has happened the way that it was supposed to-- something I have to force myself to trust. But some days I wake up, and that faith doesn't make it any easier. You told me to be strong, though, and so strong I will be. Strong in the knowledge that to be honest, you and I both have some growing up to do.

Someone once described the sensation of being thrown into icy water as "hitting you like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body." Upon those first moments in the water, you can't breathe, you can't think about anything except for the pain. Many people have compared a breaking heart to the sensation of being thrown into icy water. Ironically enough, I have recently experienced both, and I can agree. But the thing about being thrown into icy water is, that while it hurts at first in shocking, breath-taking pain, eventually it numbs you and the pain disappears almost as quickly as it came. A part of me excused certain actions of yours that hurt me, but when it comes down to it, I excused you all too often. I was blinded by the amazing person that you are, underneath it all, the amazing person that you can choose to be. But some of the time, you didn't choose to be that person... and I needed you to. But the person that this experience has shaped me into isn't even sad about the change, just about how it all went. I'm not one to hold grudges or ever be bitter; I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason.

I know that without you, I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. So, I do have a lot to thank you for. But I also have to thank you for making me realize my worth and that fighting against the urge to settle is a fight I deserve to persevere through. You deserve to grow into the incredible young man that you have the potential to be, and that isn't possible with me in your life. I don't know why, but I think both of us know very well that we are in different places in our lives, both mentally and physically. I have been told to never regret anything that once made you happy. I don't regret you. I never will be capable of convincing myself of that. Instead, I am thankful and optimistic about what the future holds for each of us. Who knows where the future will lead us?

I hope that you know how privileged you are to have been let into my heart so intimately, so selflessly, and that I wouldn't change knowing you. I hope you choose to grow into the wonderfully devoted, loyal, and selfless man that I knew for a time; and that you choose to be the best version of yourself everyday. Live in today and never yesterday. I hope that you don't beat yourself up too much when you realize how little you gave; allow it to change you. Lord knows we both need to.

And when you're thrown out into the real world, and the thousands of knives stab all over your body in fear and pain; when the real world and it's demands steal your breath and make it impossible to think just like when that icy water hit me, I hope you think of how I got up, got out, and handled it with grace and dignity. I hope you remember that you're the one that threw me into the water in the first place, the one that gave this up. I ask you to be strong for me then like I have been strong for you now.

Time

I hate change. I hate that empty, gut-wrenching moment when you look back at an empty room that is still so full of memories and laughs, and you have to turn around and walk away. Tears fill your eyes and goodbyes never seem to go easily, but life doesn't stop when you feel overwhelmed. It never stops, no matter what. And life goes on, despite the heartache of nostalgia and the fear of what is to come next. The clock ceaselessly ticks on, even in those moments when we desperately wish it wouldn't. But if we never embrace the change, if we never turn our backs on the old room, how will we ever experience the beautiful memories to come with the next?

There's no sense in holding onto something that is already gone, it just prevents us from stepping forward and experiencing the new adventure that awaits. Tears swell up in my eyes looking at my half-empty room, wondering where the hell the time went? How is my sophomore year already gone? How is my brother graduating? Everything seems to be moving in fast-forward and I cannot keep up. I realize how I haven't cherished my life. My every moment; the hard ones, the good ones, the unbelievable ones, the boring ones, the ones where I was afraid or alone, the times when I was so full of life and love, the ones where I could hardly pull myself up in the mornings. I should cherish them all. Every moment, every breath. The days where I am bored and alone, the days where I am delighted in the fun and company of others. I will never get a moment back, ever. Why waste a moment in anger? In bitterness? Sad or regretful?

Looking back on this year, I choose to look forward. I thank God for the memories and for the time I had here, but I plan to cherish every moment at home for the summer, and every last moment of my Junior year. Time moves all too fast and before I know it, I will be looking back on my life wondering how I became 85? I plan to look back in fulfillment and gladness; I never want to ask, "what if?"