"Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness."

I've always been curious about Paul's willingness to thank God in the middle of his intense suffering. His faith has always been something I've admired but never thought attainable. But I've had a taste of what he was feeling. I've had the privilege to see what raw, nothing-to-give-but-words-faith means first hand. After battling overwhelming anxiety and hopeless depression, God's plan for my life became unclear and it was incredibly hard to thank Him or even spend quality time with Him in the midst of so many things falling apart in my life. "Why would God do this to me?" When I couldn't figure out the answer, I became calloused and frustrated.

What I didn't realize was that a lot of times, God brings us through hardships we normally wouldn't have asked for, in order to bring restoration and renewal to our lives. Sometimes, when we ask God to create a change in heart of someone we know, when we ask God to help us be a tool in their lives, it is so easy to get caught up in the words and forget the seriousness behind what we are asking for. Being a representative for Christ is something I should take very seriously. It is by no means easy, we can read the Bible and see countless examples of that, but it is, without a doubt, the best way.

For the longest time, I have been praying for healing in one of my relationships, praying that God would give them a change in heart and allow them to once again see His beauty. I had been praying for the ability to be an example and to love them through their season so that they might return back to God. It took me far too long to wonder, could my anxiety and depression be the answers to my prayer? From my entire struggle with my anxiety, depression, self-harm, and self-hatred, and from my countless failed attempts to truly thank God in the middle of everything, I have seen the person I've continually prayed for become curious for God again. Pick up their Bible for the first time in months. Pray. "Your faith has caused me to renew mine," they said.

When I responded with frustration and anger, when I questioned God's goodness and plans for my life, He was piecing together a beautiful story. Not only did He restore their faith and their hope, but he also grew me in mine and humbled me.

Yes, Lord. If I have to carry this load on my back to further your glory, give me the strength to. If I have to endure these hardships so that your Name can be known, give me the ability to. Give me the faith to walk in this storm with grace, so that others can come to know You and experience Your faithfulness.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

-Isaiah 61:1-3 

His goodness will prevail.

When you close your eyes and you cannot sleep and your anxieties weigh down on you, breathe in... breathe out, breathe in deep. There is hope and there is rest when you come before Him on your knees. 

When in the morning it is so hard to pull yourself out of bed and you look in the mirror and hate what you see, remember His love... a love that sets you free. 

Don't shut Him out, don't become angry with Him. Trust that His goodness will prevail. You know that His goodness will prevail. 

It's okay to be afraid and it's okay to be weak. He is molding you into something so beautiful; you just can't see.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

An ambassador in chains.

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." -Ephesians 6:19-20

The crazy thing about these two verses is that Paul is writing from a jail cell, not asking for them to pray about his release, but asking them to pray for his ability to speak the gospel with boldness. This proves to show that when we are experiencing hardships and troubles, when we are afflicted, it is more important to fulfill our duty of speaking the gospel with plainness than to be released from the troubles surrounding us.

Because the majority of the time, when I find myself going through difficult times, I plead with God for everything to be resolved so that life can return to being "perfect" and happy again. Rarely does it ever occur to me in the moment of extreme hardships to ask God for the ability to speak the gospel with boldness in that moment. It rarely occurs to me that I am called, in every situation, to declare His goodness, His love and His truth. Because no matter what the trial is, no matter what hardship I am facing, Jesus is still good. He is still all-powerful and merciful and nothing in this world can bring the satisfaction that comes with living in relationship with Him.

Paul is an incredible example of enduring hardships for Jesus' glory. From a prison cell, his focus was on declaring the gospel in order to complete His duty as a Christian: to be an ambassador of the gospel, to proclaim peace to a lost world.

That is my call. No matter where I'm standing or what chains are weighing me down, my prayer should be for the ability to proclaim the gospel fearlessly, for the ability to focus on bringing glory to Jesus' name.

"All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:15-18

Jesus, I pray that you would give me the ability to speak your Word fearlessly to those around me. I pray that you would help me to embrace the hardships that I am facing for your glory. I am not worthy of your goodness, of your love, but you lavish them on me anyway. Thank you, Lord, for your persistence, for teaching me new lessons every day and for your constant nearness. Soften my heart and bring me humility. You deserve all the praise. Amen.

A Prayer to the God of Ebb and Flow.

"Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea.” You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen."

- Henri Nouwen

Do not lose sight.

One of the most beautiful things about Jesus is that He walks with us and is present in our trials and hardships. He is not absent, and He doesn't instantly save us from them. But he holds our hand and guides us through the storm only to achieve an eternal glory for us. He doesn't give us everything we want- no wise father would. But He provides us with what is best for us and loves us despite our doubts and inability to fully trust Him.

He walks with us through the hardship, providing us strength and courage to carry out the call He has made for our lives: to glorify Him. Every day. Every second. With every breath-- I am called to live for Jesus. So if all of this is true, then shouldn't I be capable of taking life day by day? Shouldn't I trust Jesus step by step instead of worrying about the future? Instead of worrying about something Jesus has perfected?

Looking at the bigger picture it is a lot harder to see and understand God's plans for our lives. But if we learn to trust Him with every baby step that we take, we will be able to look back and be utterly amazed at what He has done through our lives. Worries hinder and create doubts in us. But with faith, we can face any worries or doubts with courage and strength.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -James 4:14

Teach us how to do Your will.

I was completely wrecked tonight. "How far are you willing to go?" To be honest, I wasn't sure about the answer to this question. I mean, really, shouldn't it be how far can you go? I constantly find excuse after excuse to avoid what Jesus is calling me to do. But not tonight.

Because when I ask the Lord of all the earth, "are you sure," does it really make any sense? Of course He's sure. Everything that God stands for is sure. 

So, when listening to the example of Christians witnessing to the point of being murdered, I was completely wrecked. "If Jesus is your cane, can you walk without Him?" To be honest, the way that I am living right now... I definitely could. I mean, when was the last time I really took a leap of faith? A big leap? Would I be that faithful to God? Would I lay down my life for Him in that situation? 

That is when it hit me. Jesus has been pursuing me during my time here at Clemson. He has been trying to wake me up out of my routine, trying to show me that I have once again become too comfortable. He sees me thinking that I am capable of carrying all of my burdens, He sees me trying to be my own God, but I am not. And the brokenness surrounding me has forced me to fall to my knees and ask Him, "why is all of this happening, Lord?" 

Well I see the answer now. It's a hard answer to face but one that I must face, nonetheless. Jesus has allowed my life to unwind into a crazy mess to bring me to my knees in the realization that I need Him. Every step of the way, I need Him. But just knowing that I need Him and reading my Jesus Calling in a rush every morning isn't going to cut it. 

"How far are you willing to go?" Jesus saved me in the midst of sinfulness, depression and hopelessness and made me NEW. He made me new! And I repay Him by leaving Him with my Bible and at church. Shouldn't I carry Jesus with me wherever I go? Shouldn't He be every fiber of my being? My identity is intertwined with His name. Because Jesus saved me I shouldn't have to force myself to go around screaming His name, bringing glory to His name. I should want to. I should long to.

So he pressed on my heart tonight... "Are you willing to go to Kenya? Are you willing to go that far for me?" Despite my fears, despite my doubts, despite all of my worries... can I lean on him as a cane and trust that He will provide me the ability to go? 

By the end of the night I was on my knees bawling. Jesus wrecked me tonight and I just can't walk out of there and return to the routinely life I had been living before. I am so ready to trust in Jesus with His will for my life. I am so excited to see what He has in store. Even if I'm afraid, terrified, or unsure. His perfect plan will unravel and reveal something more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined.

I give it all to You, God.

Jesus, fix me.
Jesus, save me.
I am so broken. I am so stubborn.

Who am I to be anxious?
Who am I to feel hopeless?
Because who are you to love me?
Who are you to bend down and scoop me up into your arms?
To think of me as worth your time?
As worth your Son?

You cleanse me of my sin, washing me as I grit my teeth in pain and stubborn submission.
You do the job that I am incapable of doing myself. The job that only YOU can do.
You cleanse me in a process that is by no means fun or enjoyable for me, but is ultimately beneficial.
And you insist on doing so because you know that by staying stagnant in my sinfulness, it will only do me harm.
And then, when I return to you in the exact same condition too many times to count, you love me the exact same.
You put in the same amount of effort cleaning me as you did the very first time.
You are not disappointed when I continually fail you, because that is a result of my humanness.

So why am I so quick to run from you for fear of losing you?
Because you have proven to me that you're not going anywhere.
You have proven to me your endless love.
Why is my first instinct not to respond with thankfulness?
Because I am so caught up in my brokenness, I cannot recognize your fullness.


I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.