Teach us how to do Your will.

I was completely wrecked tonight. "How far are you willing to go?" To be honest, I wasn't sure about the answer to this question. I mean, really, shouldn't it be how far can you go? I constantly find excuse after excuse to avoid what Jesus is calling me to do. But not tonight.

Because when I ask the Lord of all the earth, "are you sure," does it really make any sense? Of course He's sure. Everything that God stands for is sure. 

So, when listening to the example of Christians witnessing to the point of being murdered, I was completely wrecked. "If Jesus is your cane, can you walk without Him?" To be honest, the way that I am living right now... I definitely could. I mean, when was the last time I really took a leap of faith? A big leap? Would I be that faithful to God? Would I lay down my life for Him in that situation? 

That is when it hit me. Jesus has been pursuing me during my time here at Clemson. He has been trying to wake me up out of my routine, trying to show me that I have once again become too comfortable. He sees me thinking that I am capable of carrying all of my burdens, He sees me trying to be my own God, but I am not. And the brokenness surrounding me has forced me to fall to my knees and ask Him, "why is all of this happening, Lord?" 

Well I see the answer now. It's a hard answer to face but one that I must face, nonetheless. Jesus has allowed my life to unwind into a crazy mess to bring me to my knees in the realization that I need Him. Every step of the way, I need Him. But just knowing that I need Him and reading my Jesus Calling in a rush every morning isn't going to cut it. 

"How far are you willing to go?" Jesus saved me in the midst of sinfulness, depression and hopelessness and made me NEW. He made me new! And I repay Him by leaving Him with my Bible and at church. Shouldn't I carry Jesus with me wherever I go? Shouldn't He be every fiber of my being? My identity is intertwined with His name. Because Jesus saved me I shouldn't have to force myself to go around screaming His name, bringing glory to His name. I should want to. I should long to.

So he pressed on my heart tonight... "Are you willing to go to Kenya? Are you willing to go that far for me?" Despite my fears, despite my doubts, despite all of my worries... can I lean on him as a cane and trust that He will provide me the ability to go? 

By the end of the night I was on my knees bawling. Jesus wrecked me tonight and I just can't walk out of there and return to the routinely life I had been living before. I am so ready to trust in Jesus with His will for my life. I am so excited to see what He has in store. Even if I'm afraid, terrified, or unsure. His perfect plan will unravel and reveal something more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined.