Reminiscing on first semester.

Community. A friend who doesn't run when you tell them that you're falling apart. A friend who is patient on the days when you don't think you can make it through. And on the days when you can only be, they sit and they simply be with you. True friendship is beautiful. When you have nothing to give them in return, they continually give to you. Today is the last day of my first semester at Clemson. And while it has been filled with some of the most difficult hardships I have ever faced, I have made it through and I wouldn't change a single second of it. Not only have I learned so much about my incredible Father... I have also learned so much about intentional friendships. The Lord has blessed me with the best friends in the world here at school. Friends that I can be transparent with; that I don't have to hold myself together for them. Friends that have taught me so much about prayer, about patience and strength. The community He has provided me with is so incredible. I am so thankful for all of the people who I get the privilege of "doing life" with every single day. It is so incredible how much God can teach me in such a short amount of time.
Sometimes when I'm feeling nostalgic, I become sad by how quickly life has seemed to pass by, but then I remember how full my life has been. Full of friends, full of smiles, full of comforting shoulders to cry on, encouraging words, support from friends and even strangers, full of laughter and jokes, full of favorite songs, of embarrassing moments, disheartening moments that always shape and grow, and full of life. Mistakes. Successes. Triumphs. Failures. Lessons learned. Lessons ignored. I'm still on this road and there's so much more to come, but when I look back and revel on how blessed my life has been thus far, I can't help but smile in the hopes of an incredible future- walking side by side with my Father each step of the way. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for next semester.

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up, but pity the man who falls down and has no one to pick him up." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two weeks free.

Stronger.
Braver.
With each passing day, I am shaking these chains clasped around my ankles.
They no longer bind me; I am a prisoner set free!
So undeserving, so unworthy, I am moved to my knees.
It's unbelievable and incredible; it makes absolutely no sense
That a Savior, perfect and blameless, would undergo a brutal death for my sins.

Again and again, I have chosen bondage when I was made to freely live.
I would not accept it, that me in my brokenness, He was able to forgive.
Shot down by the world, knocked down one too many times,
I sat there in my hopelessness; and on my wrist were those lines.
Those scars, those fresh wounds that mocked me and stared back, begging me to give in.
But the hissing of lies was drowned out by a comforting voice, drawing me to Him.

"You are more, you are perfectly made, you are loved, you have a purpose, you are not alone,"
He spoke right to my heart words I had heard before but never actually believed
I was filled with wonder, finally able to see that I had been deceived.
"I have not left you, I am right here,
I have been calling your name, but you chose not to hear.
You are my daughter, I have so much in store for you!
You are precious; so believe it! You have been made new!"
In my darkest time, His light still managed to shine,
He has called me worthy! I am His and He is mine!

The pressures of this world can be exhausting, leaving you empty and burnt out,
But Jesus calls out to us saying, "Come to the waters, all who are thirsty, come and be filled!"
You see, when you're in communion with Jesus there is no such thing as a drought!
His abundance makes up for our lack;
We are welcome to draw near to Him even after veering off track.
We are not worthy, but He chooses to see past our mistakes;
Our unworthiness is swallowed up by His love and His grace.

Victory in perfect Love.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Feel release as your chest rises and falls.
The light at the end of the tunnel, does it not make you want to shout?
Like despite all of the pain and the darkness, a greater purpose calls?
Hold unswervingly to that hope,
Let His strength enter in; let it absorb into your bones.

Get up, stand tall and firm!
Watch as the ashes transform into unbelievable beauty.
An incredible victory; oh, how the tables have turned!
Now I am rejoicing, thanking Him for this hardship, thanking Him for His love, thanking Him truly.
He calls me beloved; I am precious in his eyes!
How could that ever get old: that I am His prize?!

Spread this hope, tell everyone you can!
Christ has pieced me back together; His perfect love has brought healing to my calloused heart.
At one point, I wanted death, now He has given me joy to live again!
He hung on a cross, he defeated death for my sin.
His love surpasses all failures, surmounts all doubt,
It makes up for all my lack; His love has brought me out!

Find your joy. Run with it.

We plaster over our cracks, glue together our broken pieces, and put on a happy face. We pretend like we're okay until we reach the point where we're the farthest thing from it. Why do we place so much value on the approval of others? As selfish as we are, I think we are selfish for others. We want cute clothes so others like us. We want a nice car so others think we're cool. We push ourselves to a breaking point, always trying to appear perfect so that needing help is unusual-- intriguing to others. That is a good kind of selfish... the kind where you put yourself first and begin to take care of yourself. And yet, the bad forms of selfishness are overlooked as normal, accepted, expected.

For the longest time, I have been the bad kind of selfish-- in order to gain the approval of others so I feel good about myself. But I have continually neglected my deeper needs-- the parts of me that were aching to be taken care of. But I ignored taking care of myself. Because I just wanted to appear normal. Well I've given the people in my life too much power. I've let them determine my happiness and every time have ended up heart broken and upset. But now, it's time for a change. I'm done trying to be happy for my family, for my friends. I'm done trying to look a certain way to be beautiful. I'm done blending in and standing in the background because I'm insecure. I'm going to begin trying to be happy for me. I'm going to value myself. I'm going to start doing things for me and I'm not going to let anyone give me hard time about it. "Find what makes you happy and RUN with it." I'm gonna get better. I'm not gonna cry over crappy friends. I'm not gonna sit around feeling worthless. Because there's a point when selfless becomes senseless and you have to step up and pull yourself together.

The eyes you use to see right now... they are clouded-- you cannot see that you are loved, beautiful, original and cherished. But you have to try a little harder to see around the fog. You have to figure out what's standing in the way. You are so strong. You can do this. I promise you. You have made it this far. Keep setting small goals. Baby steps. You have so many people cheering you on... but now it's your turn to cheer yourself on. Don't be ashamed.. you were granted this hardship in order to later shine God's glory. He's all over this. You know He's never left you. He has carried you all this way. After all, you're still here, aren't you?

Christ has set us free!

Breathe in the pain. Sit with your discontent. Absorb the anger that runs through your veins. Be still and know that He is God. Don't mask it. Don't cover it up and pretend like everything is okay. Sometimes life isn't okay. So hand it over to God. Hand it over to Him! Don't let your bitterness and anger hold you in bondage! Don't let your discontentment hold you back from the life that you truly deserve! Tell God how you feel. Be real with Him because He hears your every thought and He knows your every feeling.

If you carry these things inside of you, you will become weighed down, angry, and unmotivated. But if you open your lips and say, "Lord, I'm hurting. I'm angry and exhausted and I don't feel you in my life right now," His peace will surround you. Or, "Lord, it's hard for me to find anything to be joyful about; it's hard to even smile most days," He will open your eyes and reveal to you the multitude of blessings that are surrounding you. Wrestle with God, beg to see those blessings. Because they're everywhere.

If you carry these things alone, they will only weigh you down and do you harm. But if you hand them over to God, you will be free! You are free!

Thank you for the frustrations. Thank you for the pain, for the hardships, for making me a better person by undergoing them. Thank you.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

Elijah said, "I want to die." The Father said, "I'll help you survive."

Don't break. Don't you dare show the world that you're breaking. We're all trying to be strong, even when we're our weakest, we're telling them they're wrong. They say, "it'll be okay." Will it be okay? And what if it won't? Have we failed ourselves when we become weak and vulnerable? We lock up our hearts behind these walls, too thick to be invaded; and yet we want desperately for someone to invade them. And that's just it. We just want someone to feel affectionately towards us. We want someone to care about us. But we're always disappointed because everyone only thinks of themselves and they forget about others.

This world, it has become heavy upon my shoulders. My soul longs for the place where I belong. Where judgments aren't passed... where hurt is nonexistent and pain is a foreign concept. Pain, something I feel nearly every day... foreign? The thought is unreal. It is apparent that this place is not our home. This filthy, broken place is not where we are meant to be. This earth, plagued with depression, hatred, and fear where people kill themselves and others, hurt themselves and others, and rob themselves as well as others. And yet, people still don't believe there is hope elsewhere? If not, how can they even continue to live? If there is no hope beyond this sinful, empty world-- what is there to look forward to? Why then, are we here? To merely exist? To bury ourselves in want?

I like to believe I'm here for so much more. For so much more than a husband or a family or even an education or occupation. Because if life was just about having a beautiful house or boasting in our successes, why would homeless people and drug addicts, who have lost everything, still choose to live? I like to believe they believe it, too: that we're all a part of this beautiful struggle for so much more. We are here to love, to laugh, to inspire the one's we love and the one's we don't even know. It is so easy to become bitter about life's disappointments, about our setbacks... but I am glad. I'm honored. Because maybe after my life is long gone, someone will revel on it and come across the realization that maybe there's so much more. That, if she still chose life after all of the pain and hardships in her life, maybe I can. Right here, right now I don't know. But if there's just a slight chance that my life might inspire someone to continue to live theirs, then I choose to live. I choose to fall down seven times and get back up eight. I choose the daily battle of depression and anxiety and I choose the nearly impossible lesson of learning to love myself despite the hateful words of others. I believe in tearing down the walls barricading my heart and allowing love to enter in. I believe in boasting in my weaknesses, in being real about the hell that life can sometimes bring so that maybe just one person will choose not to kill themselves. So that maybe one person will be inspired to get back up and love life again. I believe in living because I have been granted a life full of so many blessings. Because I truly believe that life is beautiful even when there is so much pain.

"He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.' Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, 'Get up and eat.' He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.' So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." -1 Kings 19:4-9 

It feels bad now, but it's gonna get better.

You peel yourself from your bed. You look in the mirror. The bags under your eyes seem permanent. The pain behind your eyes seems to be spilling out, so much so that you're worried people might actually notice. Might actually realize how broken you really are, no matter how hard you try to piece yourself together before you go outside. And at the end of the day, you pull the mask off. You let yourself fall onto the futon, curl up in the comfort of your room. All you want is comfort, a hug, someone to rub your back and tell you, "you're doing fine." But no one sees you, the pain you hold inside so that it physically wears you down, the nightmares of your depression slowly defeating you... and the next day you do it all again. The faces you see as you walk to class are strangers. And even the people you do know that smile and say hello- they don't know the battle you're facing; they hardly know you at all. You look in the mirror and wonder how they cannot see it as it stares you blindly in the face: the broken pieces you put together in the mornings, the fear, the loneliness, the inability to merely get up in the mornings-- you wonder how did I get here?

How do you rebuild yourself from the lowest point you've ever been? Your muffled voice attempts prayers, but your heart is heavy and it is too soon. Surely this is not the Lord's will for you. But you are literally breaking and you cannot bear this anymore. The thoughts that have always invaded your mind find a way back into it, "You will never measure up. You will never be able to make the ones you love proud. You are a failure. You are not good enough. You are selfish. You are hopeless. You have no friends." The scars of old wounds stare back at you.

It's not easy and it's not fair but you're going to have to pick yourself up and push yourself. I know you're young and you shouldn't have to face all this by yourself but God has given you this to face because He knows you are strong enough to. Admitting that you're not okay does not mean that you are weak. Admitting weakness makes you strong. You have to learn to look in the mirror and love yourself. You have to love yourself, you have to take care of yourself; don't be so hard on yourself.

You get up the next morning, brew a cup of coffee, open the blinds and smile. Just a small grin, but a grin nonetheless. You watch the wind bustle through the tress and you know that there is hope.