Do not lose sight.

One of the most beautiful things about Jesus is that He walks with us and is present in our trials and hardships. He is not absent, and He doesn't instantly save us from them. But he holds our hand and guides us through the storm only to achieve an eternal glory for us. He doesn't give us everything we want- no wise father would. But He provides us with what is best for us and loves us despite our doubts and inability to fully trust Him.

He walks with us through the hardship, providing us strength and courage to carry out the call He has made for our lives: to glorify Him. Every day. Every second. With every breath-- I am called to live for Jesus. So if all of this is true, then shouldn't I be capable of taking life day by day? Shouldn't I trust Jesus step by step instead of worrying about the future? Instead of worrying about something Jesus has perfected?

Looking at the bigger picture it is a lot harder to see and understand God's plans for our lives. But if we learn to trust Him with every baby step that we take, we will be able to look back and be utterly amazed at what He has done through our lives. Worries hinder and create doubts in us. But with faith, we can face any worries or doubts with courage and strength.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -James 4:14

Teach us how to do Your will.

I was completely wrecked tonight. "How far are you willing to go?" To be honest, I wasn't sure about the answer to this question. I mean, really, shouldn't it be how far can you go? I constantly find excuse after excuse to avoid what Jesus is calling me to do. But not tonight.

Because when I ask the Lord of all the earth, "are you sure," does it really make any sense? Of course He's sure. Everything that God stands for is sure. 

So, when listening to the example of Christians witnessing to the point of being murdered, I was completely wrecked. "If Jesus is your cane, can you walk without Him?" To be honest, the way that I am living right now... I definitely could. I mean, when was the last time I really took a leap of faith? A big leap? Would I be that faithful to God? Would I lay down my life for Him in that situation? 

That is when it hit me. Jesus has been pursuing me during my time here at Clemson. He has been trying to wake me up out of my routine, trying to show me that I have once again become too comfortable. He sees me thinking that I am capable of carrying all of my burdens, He sees me trying to be my own God, but I am not. And the brokenness surrounding me has forced me to fall to my knees and ask Him, "why is all of this happening, Lord?" 

Well I see the answer now. It's a hard answer to face but one that I must face, nonetheless. Jesus has allowed my life to unwind into a crazy mess to bring me to my knees in the realization that I need Him. Every step of the way, I need Him. But just knowing that I need Him and reading my Jesus Calling in a rush every morning isn't going to cut it. 

"How far are you willing to go?" Jesus saved me in the midst of sinfulness, depression and hopelessness and made me NEW. He made me new! And I repay Him by leaving Him with my Bible and at church. Shouldn't I carry Jesus with me wherever I go? Shouldn't He be every fiber of my being? My identity is intertwined with His name. Because Jesus saved me I shouldn't have to force myself to go around screaming His name, bringing glory to His name. I should want to. I should long to.

So he pressed on my heart tonight... "Are you willing to go to Kenya? Are you willing to go that far for me?" Despite my fears, despite my doubts, despite all of my worries... can I lean on him as a cane and trust that He will provide me the ability to go? 

By the end of the night I was on my knees bawling. Jesus wrecked me tonight and I just can't walk out of there and return to the routinely life I had been living before. I am so ready to trust in Jesus with His will for my life. I am so excited to see what He has in store. Even if I'm afraid, terrified, or unsure. His perfect plan will unravel and reveal something more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined.

I give it all to You, God.

Jesus, fix me.
Jesus, save me.
I am so broken. I am so stubborn.

Who am I to be anxious?
Who am I to feel hopeless?
Because who are you to love me?
Who are you to bend down and scoop me up into your arms?
To think of me as worth your time?
As worth your Son?

You cleanse me of my sin, washing me as I grit my teeth in pain and stubborn submission.
You do the job that I am incapable of doing myself. The job that only YOU can do.
You cleanse me in a process that is by no means fun or enjoyable for me, but is ultimately beneficial.
And you insist on doing so because you know that by staying stagnant in my sinfulness, it will only do me harm.
And then, when I return to you in the exact same condition too many times to count, you love me the exact same.
You put in the same amount of effort cleaning me as you did the very first time.
You are not disappointed when I continually fail you, because that is a result of my humanness.

So why am I so quick to run from you for fear of losing you?
Because you have proven to me that you're not going anywhere.
You have proven to me your endless love.
Why is my first instinct not to respond with thankfulness?
Because I am so caught up in my brokenness, I cannot recognize your fullness.


I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

Let me hear joy and gladness.

Your heart is so heavy and you are so so burdened. And while you feel like you are such a failure, it's important to remind yourself that Jesus loves you the exact same in this instant as He did before you fell into sin.

When you tell yourself that you are inadequate, God tells you different. You are worthy. You are loved. You are His. Remind yourself that, over and over again. Remind yourself how unreal the love of Jesus Christ is. Remember that you are not perfect! That you're going to mess up. That you're going to fall short. That you should expect that and that you should run into the arms of God and find comfort in His love and mercy.

And remember that despite these trials, God is still good. He always has been. He always will be.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

- Psalm 51:8-12 

 

The LORD will receive me.

I wish that I could magically fix all of our problems. I wish that we had a good relationship because I want nothing more than that. But I can't and we don't and this is the point that I have reached.

I could easily point fingers and say that you're supposed to love on me and build me up and that you're not treating me right, but that just makes me more frustrated and ultimately discouraged. I have been patient with you for so long, and I know that I am supposed to honor you, but sometimes it's hard when you are ashamed of one of the biggest parts of who I am. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless if you can't even accept me for who I used to be.

And I know I need to remember that while there is so much brokenness and pain in our relationships here on earth, there is one relationship that will never fail me. Jesus loved on me through my lowest point and continually accepts me despite my complete sinfulness. But it can be so discouraging and lonely when these earthly relationships are so strained. Sometimes I ask, "why me?" because I become emotionally exhausted and so tired from all of these burdens I'm carrying, but Jesus is persistent in teaching His lessons.

The lesson He is trying to teach me is faith. Even since the day that I accepted Christ, I have been hesitant to completely let go of the comforts that I cling to. But most times these comforts aren't good for us. Jesus sees us in our helplessness and tries to tell us to let go of the things we cling to that continually hurt us, saying "hold on to me, draw near to me." Jesus wants us to say of him,

"The LORD is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?" -Psalm 27:1

My Heavenly Father loves me despite my failures and He doesn't want me to be upset over those people in my life who don't. Why do I continually put my hope in people? In the approval of others? Instead of seeking the earth's approval, I will seek first His kingdom. I will throw off this weight of broken relationships. I will continue to find my way in the will of my Heavenly Father.

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me." -Psalm 27:10

Heavenly Father, I pray for your healing power on the relationships in my life. Lord, I let the disappointments of my relationships weigh me down far more than I should. I pray for FAITH to continue to walk in your path, and I pray that you would provide me with peace to know that YOU are my Father and that the brokenness in this world is to cause my soul to ache for my true home.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

Beautiful, oh I am lost for more to say.

In the midst of my frailty and inability, I have the ability to stop and ask for the strength from a God that is constantly more than enough. He continually pours blessings into my life without falter, overwhelming me with His mercy and kindness. I am so beyond blessed by my Father. 

Even when I busy myself to the point where I give him a slim five minutes a day, He has provided me with the most amazing relationships here at Clemson and I am completely in awe of how unbelievably good my God is to me. I do not deserve His goodness, but that is the beauty of Christ's love. 

Because of this truth, it should be impossible not to live for His glory, but I constantly fall short. But that doesn't mean I should stop trying because He never stopped trying. He rescued me in my sin, in my pain and He wrapped his loving arms around me and told me that the world would never satisfy me. He told me that I needed to rely on Him and find my identity in Him rather than in the empty words of my peers surrounding me. 

I cannot fully comprehend the love of my Father. It is too much for me to take in. My heart is so full and I am so grateful for how unbelievably blessed I am. I am at a loss for words and completely in awe. 

Lord, help me to love like you have loved me. Help me to bring your light to someone who needs it this week. I am so undeserving, so unworthy of your unending love. Thank you for your goodness to me, Lord, for your mercy and grace. Who is like you, God?

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."
-Psalm 34:8-10

"I can pour out because I know you fill up. I drink from a well that never runs dry. You are abundantly available to me, ever drawing me closer. You call me into communion with you and I am filled with your life over flowing even in the driest, hardest of seasons. You exchange my lack for your abundance, Christ in me the only hope of glory. Christ in me is enough. Christ with me is enough. Christ on that cross and risen for me is enough. You are enough, Jesus."

-Katie Davis 

Lord have Your way in me.

Despite my stubbornness, my hard-headedness and ultimate strain when it comes to admitting my faults, I am called to surrender to God.

Even when I don't want to, even when it hurts, I know that the Lord's plans are far better than anything I could plan for myself. But sometimes I convince myself that I'm strong enough to "go this one alone" or to handle it by myself. I see the brokenness in my relationships with the one's love and I try to fix it with empty words and thoughtless actions instead of bringing the situation to God in His ultimate perfection. And when the situation remains in the exact same state, I become frustrated with myself and my incapability and I carry the burden with me throughout my day. I get so caught up in trying to be my own god that sometimes I forget about the actual God that saved me in the midst of my sinfulness.

But Jesus doesn't want me to try to be my own god. He calls me to surrender to Him. He wants me to recognize my inability, my brokenness, my imperfection as an opportunity to learn about His abilities, His complete fullness, and His perfection. 

When I try to be my own god, I feel burnt out and hopeless far too often. I feel exhausted and discouraged because I'm not supposed to carry all of my burdens on my own; I am called to rely on Jesus for His strength, His ability, and His encouragement. A relationship with Him brings joy instead of momentary happiness and a feeling of peace in the middle of tribulation. But it also calls for me to surrender myself to His will for my life in the trust that He has something incredible planned for me. 

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." - James 4:8

Jesus, I have fought for so long in an effort to appear perfect. But, Lord, I am not perfect. I pray that you would have your way in me, that you would allow me to let go of the things I'm grasping desperately to that aren't you. They don't offer the joy that a relationship with you does, so help me to be vulnerable and to come to you instead of being stubborn and weighed down by the weight of my burdens. Help me to give them over to you. Thank you for your mercy, God, thank you for your relentless and perfect love.

Like a rushing wind,
Jesus breathe within
Lord have your way,
Lord have your way in me.  

Like a mighty storm,
Stir within my soul,
Lord have your way,
Lord have your way in me;
I surrender. 

The hard lesson of forgiveness.

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the topic of forgiveness. It’s not an easy topic. It’s not easy to do. When I’ve held a grudge for so long, sometimes it just feels impossible to give it up. Because a lot of the times, I give myself excuse after excuse to not forgive somebody. I tell myself that they’ve continually wronged me again and again and I just can’t bring myself to forgive them because they’ve hurt me too much. They’ve gone too far. And they don’t deserve to be forgiven. 

But wait… wasn’t that me? Isn’t that me? I have wronged Jesus again and again, but He somehow brought himself to forgiving me despite the infinite amounts of times that I’ve hurt him, that I’ve disappointed him. I ran so far from him and I didn’t deserve to be forgiven, but He forgave me anyway. And He continues to forgive me every day as I continually fail him, as I continually turn my back on him and choose sin. 

So, now what? I see the beauty of forgiveness applied in my life. I see the beauty in the Father’s constant forgiveness and mercy as a result of my fallen state. And He doesn’t want me to be worn down by the grudge I’m holding. He doesn’t want me to carry that burden. He wants me to give it to Him. He wants me to forgive like He forgave me. Even when it hurts, when I don’t want to. But He knows what’s best for me, so I’m laying it at His feet.

Jesus, I don’t understand your forgiveness. I know that I am so lost and that without you there is no hope. I have been carrying these burdens for far too long, Lord, and they are wearing me down to the core. I know that I need to lay them at your feet. Help me forgive the people around me like you forgave me. Help me to put aside my stubbornness; help me to be humbled by your love and mercy. Jesus, I need you to take these burdens off my shoulders because I am not capable of carrying them anymore and they are making me bitter and hateful. Please forgive me of my pride, of my selfishness and hard-headedness. Thank you for your gift of forgiveness. 

⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

- Romans 5:8