The beauty in the story.

Mary. Joseph. Jesus. And that is how the story goes.

We hear it every year, we sing songs about it, and then we continue on with our Christmas traditions in a hurry to get to our presents. But this year, instead of the hustle and bustle of Christmas, I decided to spend some time with the Nativity Story and I was enthralled with the beauty of the incredible story we so often tune out. I was so taken aback by Mary's incredible faith. To remain faithful to the Lord's will for her life despite the hateful words against her and the judgments of her. Faithfully, she said, "I am the Lord's servant. May your word to me be fulfilled." (Luke 1:38) She knew people would talk badly of her, she knew that it would wouldn't be an easy path ahead of her, nor would it be without any uncertainty and fear, but she took it as an honor and bore her purpose with honor.

And now, here we are. It's December 26th and you know what that means: time to put away the Nativity Story until next year. But why? Why should our amazement with this miracle stop after Christmas? Shouldn't we at least attempt to be mindful of it every day? Wouldn't that change our perspective of life... to remember how Mary was called unfaithful, dishonest... but took the task head on, saying, "From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name." (Luke 1:48 & 49) The day after Christmas does not mean that our enthrallment with Christ's unbelievable sacrifice should be any less. We should be enthralled every day. We should remember His humility.

There was no room in the manger... but that did not stop Christ! There may not be room in your heart for Him... but that will not stop the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. If you open up your heart and let Him enter in, if you let yourself become vulnerable with His abounding love, the Nativity Story will begin to feel new every time you hear it. It should melt your heart, that the Son of God would become man and be brutally murdered for your account. Because He loved you. He loves you. Every day He loves you the same. So, every day we should reflect on His love. Don't become calloused to hearing it. Don't turn a blind eye to the story's beauty.


Jesus, how you have blessed me! My heart is so full. A present under the tree could not provide me with this overflowing joy. Your story of humility, of sacrifice, of unbelievable love, Jesus, it gets me every time. Help me every day to soften my heart... to remember your beauty and your love for me. Help me to display that love to every single person that I encounter. Jesus, you have called me beloved. I just can't manage to figure out why but I am so so thankful. Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your love. Help me to be faithful to your call and to take it head-on.

A chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes takes me through so many wise words, I don't even know where to begin. The teacher speaking begins by describing the longings and areas that most men and women search for their identities in as "meaningless."

Oh, can I relate. Before Jesus, I thought I'd be happy if I had more friends, if I felt prettier, or if I was desired by boys. But when I was surrounded with "friends", after I felt "prettier", and after the many compliments from boys that I had fished for... I was still empty. I wanted better friends, I wanted to feel even prettier. And the empty compliments did not make me feel any more worthy. My success of getting into Clemson still failed to bring me all of the happiness that I had wanted. Meaningless. Without Jesus, everything left me empty and dry.

But when I remember how He rescued me from my hardest days, how He continues to carry me when it all becomes too much, how MY life and story can be used to inspire and draw people to Him... man, my life suddenly is filled with incredible meaning. Because I am caught up in something so much bigger than simply myself. Because now, I'm no longer chasing after the wind... I'm chasing after God.

When I got to Ecclesiastes 7, I was so overwhelmed with joy. Because I was just talking to a friend about this... that He has granted me these hardships to teach me lessons about His goodness. Verse 3 says, "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart." The footnote says, "Happy times generally teach us less than hard times." Whoa. Okay. Wouldn't I rather learn more about Jesus than be happy all the time? And then, chapter 8 verse 4, "Since a king's word is supreme, who can say to him, 'What are you doing?'" Oh, how often I ask God that question. Continually, I have pleaded with God, asking, "Why me? Why this again?" And then, "Are you sure, God?" Well of course He is sure... everything about God is sure! I wanted things to be perfect, to be happy and comfortable. But sometimes, God calls us to be uncomfortable. To be adventurous and not play it safe. Chapter 11 verse 1 reads, "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again."

God has brought me through these storms ultimately to teach me to lean solely on Him. To show me my dependence on Him. Because during the happy, the comfortable times, I often become deceived and believe that I am capable of going it alone. But I am not. I am a sinner, I continually mess up. And, so, He brings me to my knees only to reveal to me, yet again, that I need Him.

So, what if I started living in such a bold way that I had to lean on Him everyday? What if everyday took so much courage, that I had to be like, "Okay, Jesus I need you. I cannot do any of this without you"? How much would I learn about my incredible Father?

You see, the beauty isn't in the rising up and overcoming hardships and entering into a blessed, perfect life. No, the beautiful faith is always in the stumbling, the falling on knees all too often, the proclaiming of His goodness in the very midst of pain-- not on the other side. Because it's always easy to proclaim God's goodness when the hardships are a thing of the past and your reward is already in your hands. But choosing to walk alongside Him in the darkness, filled with tears and tribulation, being surrounded by pain and hurt and yet choosing to point up and say, "My God is so good. He is still good and I still choose to walk with Him," that is inspirational faith. That is the faith I want to portray. I don't want an easy life... I want a life that makes absolutely no sense to continue living without God.

Reminiscing on first semester.

Community. A friend who doesn't run when you tell them that you're falling apart. A friend who is patient on the days when you don't think you can make it through. And on the days when you can only be, they sit and they simply be with you. True friendship is beautiful. When you have nothing to give them in return, they continually give to you. Today is the last day of my first semester at Clemson. And while it has been filled with some of the most difficult hardships I have ever faced, I have made it through and I wouldn't change a single second of it. Not only have I learned so much about my incredible Father... I have also learned so much about intentional friendships. The Lord has blessed me with the best friends in the world here at school. Friends that I can be transparent with; that I don't have to hold myself together for them. Friends that have taught me so much about prayer, about patience and strength. The community He has provided me with is so incredible. I am so thankful for all of the people who I get the privilege of "doing life" with every single day. It is so incredible how much God can teach me in such a short amount of time.
Sometimes when I'm feeling nostalgic, I become sad by how quickly life has seemed to pass by, but then I remember how full my life has been. Full of friends, full of smiles, full of comforting shoulders to cry on, encouraging words, support from friends and even strangers, full of laughter and jokes, full of favorite songs, of embarrassing moments, disheartening moments that always shape and grow, and full of life. Mistakes. Successes. Triumphs. Failures. Lessons learned. Lessons ignored. I'm still on this road and there's so much more to come, but when I look back and revel on how blessed my life has been thus far, I can't help but smile in the hopes of an incredible future- walking side by side with my Father each step of the way. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for next semester.

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up, but pity the man who falls down and has no one to pick him up." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two weeks free.

Stronger.
Braver.
With each passing day, I am shaking these chains clasped around my ankles.
They no longer bind me; I am a prisoner set free!
So undeserving, so unworthy, I am moved to my knees.
It's unbelievable and incredible; it makes absolutely no sense
That a Savior, perfect and blameless, would undergo a brutal death for my sins.

Again and again, I have chosen bondage when I was made to freely live.
I would not accept it, that me in my brokenness, He was able to forgive.
Shot down by the world, knocked down one too many times,
I sat there in my hopelessness; and on my wrist were those lines.
Those scars, those fresh wounds that mocked me and stared back, begging me to give in.
But the hissing of lies was drowned out by a comforting voice, drawing me to Him.

"You are more, you are perfectly made, you are loved, you have a purpose, you are not alone,"
He spoke right to my heart words I had heard before but never actually believed
I was filled with wonder, finally able to see that I had been deceived.
"I have not left you, I am right here,
I have been calling your name, but you chose not to hear.
You are my daughter, I have so much in store for you!
You are precious; so believe it! You have been made new!"
In my darkest time, His light still managed to shine,
He has called me worthy! I am His and He is mine!

The pressures of this world can be exhausting, leaving you empty and burnt out,
But Jesus calls out to us saying, "Come to the waters, all who are thirsty, come and be filled!"
You see, when you're in communion with Jesus there is no such thing as a drought!
His abundance makes up for our lack;
We are welcome to draw near to Him even after veering off track.
We are not worthy, but He chooses to see past our mistakes;
Our unworthiness is swallowed up by His love and His grace.

Victory in perfect Love.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Feel release as your chest rises and falls.
The light at the end of the tunnel, does it not make you want to shout?
Like despite all of the pain and the darkness, a greater purpose calls?
Hold unswervingly to that hope,
Let His strength enter in; let it absorb into your bones.

Get up, stand tall and firm!
Watch as the ashes transform into unbelievable beauty.
An incredible victory; oh, how the tables have turned!
Now I am rejoicing, thanking Him for this hardship, thanking Him for His love, thanking Him truly.
He calls me beloved; I am precious in his eyes!
How could that ever get old: that I am His prize?!

Spread this hope, tell everyone you can!
Christ has pieced me back together; His perfect love has brought healing to my calloused heart.
At one point, I wanted death, now He has given me joy to live again!
He hung on a cross, he defeated death for my sin.
His love surpasses all failures, surmounts all doubt,
It makes up for all my lack; His love has brought me out!

Find your joy. Run with it.

We plaster over our cracks, glue together our broken pieces, and put on a happy face. We pretend like we're okay until we reach the point where we're the farthest thing from it. Why do we place so much value on the approval of others? As selfish as we are, I think we are selfish for others. We want cute clothes so others like us. We want a nice car so others think we're cool. We push ourselves to a breaking point, always trying to appear perfect so that needing help is unusual-- intriguing to others. That is a good kind of selfish... the kind where you put yourself first and begin to take care of yourself. And yet, the bad forms of selfishness are overlooked as normal, accepted, expected.

For the longest time, I have been the bad kind of selfish-- in order to gain the approval of others so I feel good about myself. But I have continually neglected my deeper needs-- the parts of me that were aching to be taken care of. But I ignored taking care of myself. Because I just wanted to appear normal. Well I've given the people in my life too much power. I've let them determine my happiness and every time have ended up heart broken and upset. But now, it's time for a change. I'm done trying to be happy for my family, for my friends. I'm done trying to look a certain way to be beautiful. I'm done blending in and standing in the background because I'm insecure. I'm going to begin trying to be happy for me. I'm going to value myself. I'm going to start doing things for me and I'm not going to let anyone give me hard time about it. "Find what makes you happy and RUN with it." I'm gonna get better. I'm not gonna cry over crappy friends. I'm not gonna sit around feeling worthless. Because there's a point when selfless becomes senseless and you have to step up and pull yourself together.

The eyes you use to see right now... they are clouded-- you cannot see that you are loved, beautiful, original and cherished. But you have to try a little harder to see around the fog. You have to figure out what's standing in the way. You are so strong. You can do this. I promise you. You have made it this far. Keep setting small goals. Baby steps. You have so many people cheering you on... but now it's your turn to cheer yourself on. Don't be ashamed.. you were granted this hardship in order to later shine God's glory. He's all over this. You know He's never left you. He has carried you all this way. After all, you're still here, aren't you?

Christ has set us free!

Breathe in the pain. Sit with your discontent. Absorb the anger that runs through your veins. Be still and know that He is God. Don't mask it. Don't cover it up and pretend like everything is okay. Sometimes life isn't okay. So hand it over to God. Hand it over to Him! Don't let your bitterness and anger hold you in bondage! Don't let your discontentment hold you back from the life that you truly deserve! Tell God how you feel. Be real with Him because He hears your every thought and He knows your every feeling.

If you carry these things inside of you, you will become weighed down, angry, and unmotivated. But if you open your lips and say, "Lord, I'm hurting. I'm angry and exhausted and I don't feel you in my life right now," His peace will surround you. Or, "Lord, it's hard for me to find anything to be joyful about; it's hard to even smile most days," He will open your eyes and reveal to you the multitude of blessings that are surrounding you. Wrestle with God, beg to see those blessings. Because they're everywhere.

If you carry these things alone, they will only weigh you down and do you harm. But if you hand them over to God, you will be free! You are free!

Thank you for the frustrations. Thank you for the pain, for the hardships, for making me a better person by undergoing them. Thank you.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

Elijah said, "I want to die." The Father said, "I'll help you survive."

Don't break. Don't you dare show the world that you're breaking. We're all trying to be strong, even when we're our weakest, we're telling them they're wrong. They say, "it'll be okay." Will it be okay? And what if it won't? Have we failed ourselves when we become weak and vulnerable? We lock up our hearts behind these walls, too thick to be invaded; and yet we want desperately for someone to invade them. And that's just it. We just want someone to feel affectionately towards us. We want someone to care about us. But we're always disappointed because everyone only thinks of themselves and they forget about others.

This world, it has become heavy upon my shoulders. My soul longs for the place where I belong. Where judgments aren't passed... where hurt is nonexistent and pain is a foreign concept. Pain, something I feel nearly every day... foreign? The thought is unreal. It is apparent that this place is not our home. This filthy, broken place is not where we are meant to be. This earth, plagued with depression, hatred, and fear where people kill themselves and others, hurt themselves and others, and rob themselves as well as others. And yet, people still don't believe there is hope elsewhere? If not, how can they even continue to live? If there is no hope beyond this sinful, empty world-- what is there to look forward to? Why then, are we here? To merely exist? To bury ourselves in want?

I like to believe I'm here for so much more. For so much more than a husband or a family or even an education or occupation. Because if life was just about having a beautiful house or boasting in our successes, why would homeless people and drug addicts, who have lost everything, still choose to live? I like to believe they believe it, too: that we're all a part of this beautiful struggle for so much more. We are here to love, to laugh, to inspire the one's we love and the one's we don't even know. It is so easy to become bitter about life's disappointments, about our setbacks... but I am glad. I'm honored. Because maybe after my life is long gone, someone will revel on it and come across the realization that maybe there's so much more. That, if she still chose life after all of the pain and hardships in her life, maybe I can. Right here, right now I don't know. But if there's just a slight chance that my life might inspire someone to continue to live theirs, then I choose to live. I choose to fall down seven times and get back up eight. I choose the daily battle of depression and anxiety and I choose the nearly impossible lesson of learning to love myself despite the hateful words of others. I believe in tearing down the walls barricading my heart and allowing love to enter in. I believe in boasting in my weaknesses, in being real about the hell that life can sometimes bring so that maybe just one person will choose not to kill themselves. So that maybe one person will be inspired to get back up and love life again. I believe in living because I have been granted a life full of so many blessings. Because I truly believe that life is beautiful even when there is so much pain.

"He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.' Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, 'Get up and eat.' He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.' So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." -1 Kings 19:4-9 

It feels bad now, but it's gonna get better.

You peel yourself from your bed. You look in the mirror. The bags under your eyes seem permanent. The pain behind your eyes seems to be spilling out, so much so that you're worried people might actually notice. Might actually realize how broken you really are, no matter how hard you try to piece yourself together before you go outside. And at the end of the day, you pull the mask off. You let yourself fall onto the futon, curl up in the comfort of your room. All you want is comfort, a hug, someone to rub your back and tell you, "you're doing fine." But no one sees you, the pain you hold inside so that it physically wears you down, the nightmares of your depression slowly defeating you... and the next day you do it all again. The faces you see as you walk to class are strangers. And even the people you do know that smile and say hello- they don't know the battle you're facing; they hardly know you at all. You look in the mirror and wonder how they cannot see it as it stares you blindly in the face: the broken pieces you put together in the mornings, the fear, the loneliness, the inability to merely get up in the mornings-- you wonder how did I get here?

How do you rebuild yourself from the lowest point you've ever been? Your muffled voice attempts prayers, but your heart is heavy and it is too soon. Surely this is not the Lord's will for you. But you are literally breaking and you cannot bear this anymore. The thoughts that have always invaded your mind find a way back into it, "You will never measure up. You will never be able to make the ones you love proud. You are a failure. You are not good enough. You are selfish. You are hopeless. You have no friends." The scars of old wounds stare back at you.

It's not easy and it's not fair but you're going to have to pick yourself up and push yourself. I know you're young and you shouldn't have to face all this by yourself but God has given you this to face because He knows you are strong enough to. Admitting that you're not okay does not mean that you are weak. Admitting weakness makes you strong. You have to learn to look in the mirror and love yourself. You have to love yourself, you have to take care of yourself; don't be so hard on yourself.

You get up the next morning, brew a cup of coffee, open the blinds and smile. Just a small grin, but a grin nonetheless. You watch the wind bustle through the tress and you know that there is hope.

"Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness."

I've always been curious about Paul's willingness to thank God in the middle of his intense suffering. His faith has always been something I've admired but never thought attainable. But I've had a taste of what he was feeling. I've had the privilege to see what raw, nothing-to-give-but-words-faith means first hand. After battling overwhelming anxiety and hopeless depression, God's plan for my life became unclear and it was incredibly hard to thank Him or even spend quality time with Him in the midst of so many things falling apart in my life. "Why would God do this to me?" When I couldn't figure out the answer, I became calloused and frustrated.

What I didn't realize was that a lot of times, God brings us through hardships we normally wouldn't have asked for, in order to bring restoration and renewal to our lives. Sometimes, when we ask God to create a change in heart of someone we know, when we ask God to help us be a tool in their lives, it is so easy to get caught up in the words and forget the seriousness behind what we are asking for. Being a representative for Christ is something I should take very seriously. It is by no means easy, we can read the Bible and see countless examples of that, but it is, without a doubt, the best way.

For the longest time, I have been praying for healing in one of my relationships, praying that God would give them a change in heart and allow them to once again see His beauty. I had been praying for the ability to be an example and to love them through their season so that they might return back to God. It took me far too long to wonder, could my anxiety and depression be the answers to my prayer? From my entire struggle with my anxiety, depression, self-harm, and self-hatred, and from my countless failed attempts to truly thank God in the middle of everything, I have seen the person I've continually prayed for become curious for God again. Pick up their Bible for the first time in months. Pray. "Your faith has caused me to renew mine," they said.

When I responded with frustration and anger, when I questioned God's goodness and plans for my life, He was piecing together a beautiful story. Not only did He restore their faith and their hope, but he also grew me in mine and humbled me.

Yes, Lord. If I have to carry this load on my back to further your glory, give me the strength to. If I have to endure these hardships so that your Name can be known, give me the ability to. Give me the faith to walk in this storm with grace, so that others can come to know You and experience Your faithfulness.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

-Isaiah 61:1-3 

His goodness will prevail.

When you close your eyes and you cannot sleep and your anxieties weigh down on you, breathe in... breathe out, breathe in deep. There is hope and there is rest when you come before Him on your knees. 

When in the morning it is so hard to pull yourself out of bed and you look in the mirror and hate what you see, remember His love... a love that sets you free. 

Don't shut Him out, don't become angry with Him. Trust that His goodness will prevail. You know that His goodness will prevail. 

It's okay to be afraid and it's okay to be weak. He is molding you into something so beautiful; you just can't see.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

An ambassador in chains.

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." -Ephesians 6:19-20

The crazy thing about these two verses is that Paul is writing from a jail cell, not asking for them to pray about his release, but asking them to pray for his ability to speak the gospel with boldness. This proves to show that when we are experiencing hardships and troubles, when we are afflicted, it is more important to fulfill our duty of speaking the gospel with plainness than to be released from the troubles surrounding us.

Because the majority of the time, when I find myself going through difficult times, I plead with God for everything to be resolved so that life can return to being "perfect" and happy again. Rarely does it ever occur to me in the moment of extreme hardships to ask God for the ability to speak the gospel with boldness in that moment. It rarely occurs to me that I am called, in every situation, to declare His goodness, His love and His truth. Because no matter what the trial is, no matter what hardship I am facing, Jesus is still good. He is still all-powerful and merciful and nothing in this world can bring the satisfaction that comes with living in relationship with Him.

Paul is an incredible example of enduring hardships for Jesus' glory. From a prison cell, his focus was on declaring the gospel in order to complete His duty as a Christian: to be an ambassador of the gospel, to proclaim peace to a lost world.

That is my call. No matter where I'm standing or what chains are weighing me down, my prayer should be for the ability to proclaim the gospel fearlessly, for the ability to focus on bringing glory to Jesus' name.

"All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:15-18

Jesus, I pray that you would give me the ability to speak your Word fearlessly to those around me. I pray that you would help me to embrace the hardships that I am facing for your glory. I am not worthy of your goodness, of your love, but you lavish them on me anyway. Thank you, Lord, for your persistence, for teaching me new lessons every day and for your constant nearness. Soften my heart and bring me humility. You deserve all the praise. Amen.

A Prayer to the God of Ebb and Flow.

"Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea.” You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen."

- Henri Nouwen

Do not lose sight.

One of the most beautiful things about Jesus is that He walks with us and is present in our trials and hardships. He is not absent, and He doesn't instantly save us from them. But he holds our hand and guides us through the storm only to achieve an eternal glory for us. He doesn't give us everything we want- no wise father would. But He provides us with what is best for us and loves us despite our doubts and inability to fully trust Him.

He walks with us through the hardship, providing us strength and courage to carry out the call He has made for our lives: to glorify Him. Every day. Every second. With every breath-- I am called to live for Jesus. So if all of this is true, then shouldn't I be capable of taking life day by day? Shouldn't I trust Jesus step by step instead of worrying about the future? Instead of worrying about something Jesus has perfected?

Looking at the bigger picture it is a lot harder to see and understand God's plans for our lives. But if we learn to trust Him with every baby step that we take, we will be able to look back and be utterly amazed at what He has done through our lives. Worries hinder and create doubts in us. But with faith, we can face any worries or doubts with courage and strength.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -James 4:14

Teach us how to do Your will.

I was completely wrecked tonight. "How far are you willing to go?" To be honest, I wasn't sure about the answer to this question. I mean, really, shouldn't it be how far can you go? I constantly find excuse after excuse to avoid what Jesus is calling me to do. But not tonight.

Because when I ask the Lord of all the earth, "are you sure," does it really make any sense? Of course He's sure. Everything that God stands for is sure. 

So, when listening to the example of Christians witnessing to the point of being murdered, I was completely wrecked. "If Jesus is your cane, can you walk without Him?" To be honest, the way that I am living right now... I definitely could. I mean, when was the last time I really took a leap of faith? A big leap? Would I be that faithful to God? Would I lay down my life for Him in that situation? 

That is when it hit me. Jesus has been pursuing me during my time here at Clemson. He has been trying to wake me up out of my routine, trying to show me that I have once again become too comfortable. He sees me thinking that I am capable of carrying all of my burdens, He sees me trying to be my own God, but I am not. And the brokenness surrounding me has forced me to fall to my knees and ask Him, "why is all of this happening, Lord?" 

Well I see the answer now. It's a hard answer to face but one that I must face, nonetheless. Jesus has allowed my life to unwind into a crazy mess to bring me to my knees in the realization that I need Him. Every step of the way, I need Him. But just knowing that I need Him and reading my Jesus Calling in a rush every morning isn't going to cut it. 

"How far are you willing to go?" Jesus saved me in the midst of sinfulness, depression and hopelessness and made me NEW. He made me new! And I repay Him by leaving Him with my Bible and at church. Shouldn't I carry Jesus with me wherever I go? Shouldn't He be every fiber of my being? My identity is intertwined with His name. Because Jesus saved me I shouldn't have to force myself to go around screaming His name, bringing glory to His name. I should want to. I should long to.

So he pressed on my heart tonight... "Are you willing to go to Kenya? Are you willing to go that far for me?" Despite my fears, despite my doubts, despite all of my worries... can I lean on him as a cane and trust that He will provide me the ability to go? 

By the end of the night I was on my knees bawling. Jesus wrecked me tonight and I just can't walk out of there and return to the routinely life I had been living before. I am so ready to trust in Jesus with His will for my life. I am so excited to see what He has in store. Even if I'm afraid, terrified, or unsure. His perfect plan will unravel and reveal something more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined.

I give it all to You, God.

Jesus, fix me.
Jesus, save me.
I am so broken. I am so stubborn.

Who am I to be anxious?
Who am I to feel hopeless?
Because who are you to love me?
Who are you to bend down and scoop me up into your arms?
To think of me as worth your time?
As worth your Son?

You cleanse me of my sin, washing me as I grit my teeth in pain and stubborn submission.
You do the job that I am incapable of doing myself. The job that only YOU can do.
You cleanse me in a process that is by no means fun or enjoyable for me, but is ultimately beneficial.
And you insist on doing so because you know that by staying stagnant in my sinfulness, it will only do me harm.
And then, when I return to you in the exact same condition too many times to count, you love me the exact same.
You put in the same amount of effort cleaning me as you did the very first time.
You are not disappointed when I continually fail you, because that is a result of my humanness.

So why am I so quick to run from you for fear of losing you?
Because you have proven to me that you're not going anywhere.
You have proven to me your endless love.
Why is my first instinct not to respond with thankfulness?
Because I am so caught up in my brokenness, I cannot recognize your fullness.


I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

Let me hear joy and gladness.

Your heart is so heavy and you are so so burdened. And while you feel like you are such a failure, it's important to remind yourself that Jesus loves you the exact same in this instant as He did before you fell into sin.

When you tell yourself that you are inadequate, God tells you different. You are worthy. You are loved. You are His. Remind yourself that, over and over again. Remind yourself how unreal the love of Jesus Christ is. Remember that you are not perfect! That you're going to mess up. That you're going to fall short. That you should expect that and that you should run into the arms of God and find comfort in His love and mercy.

And remember that despite these trials, God is still good. He always has been. He always will be.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

- Psalm 51:8-12 

 

The LORD will receive me.

I wish that I could magically fix all of our problems. I wish that we had a good relationship because I want nothing more than that. But I can't and we don't and this is the point that I have reached.

I could easily point fingers and say that you're supposed to love on me and build me up and that you're not treating me right, but that just makes me more frustrated and ultimately discouraged. I have been patient with you for so long, and I know that I am supposed to honor you, but sometimes it's hard when you are ashamed of one of the biggest parts of who I am. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless if you can't even accept me for who I used to be.

And I know I need to remember that while there is so much brokenness and pain in our relationships here on earth, there is one relationship that will never fail me. Jesus loved on me through my lowest point and continually accepts me despite my complete sinfulness. But it can be so discouraging and lonely when these earthly relationships are so strained. Sometimes I ask, "why me?" because I become emotionally exhausted and so tired from all of these burdens I'm carrying, but Jesus is persistent in teaching His lessons.

The lesson He is trying to teach me is faith. Even since the day that I accepted Christ, I have been hesitant to completely let go of the comforts that I cling to. But most times these comforts aren't good for us. Jesus sees us in our helplessness and tries to tell us to let go of the things we cling to that continually hurt us, saying "hold on to me, draw near to me." Jesus wants us to say of him,

"The LORD is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?" -Psalm 27:1

My Heavenly Father loves me despite my failures and He doesn't want me to be upset over those people in my life who don't. Why do I continually put my hope in people? In the approval of others? Instead of seeking the earth's approval, I will seek first His kingdom. I will throw off this weight of broken relationships. I will continue to find my way in the will of my Heavenly Father.

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me." -Psalm 27:10

Heavenly Father, I pray for your healing power on the relationships in my life. Lord, I let the disappointments of my relationships weigh me down far more than I should. I pray for FAITH to continue to walk in your path, and I pray that you would provide me with peace to know that YOU are my Father and that the brokenness in this world is to cause my soul to ache for my true home.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

Beautiful, oh I am lost for more to say.

In the midst of my frailty and inability, I have the ability to stop and ask for the strength from a God that is constantly more than enough. He continually pours blessings into my life without falter, overwhelming me with His mercy and kindness. I am so beyond blessed by my Father. 

Even when I busy myself to the point where I give him a slim five minutes a day, He has provided me with the most amazing relationships here at Clemson and I am completely in awe of how unbelievably good my God is to me. I do not deserve His goodness, but that is the beauty of Christ's love. 

Because of this truth, it should be impossible not to live for His glory, but I constantly fall short. But that doesn't mean I should stop trying because He never stopped trying. He rescued me in my sin, in my pain and He wrapped his loving arms around me and told me that the world would never satisfy me. He told me that I needed to rely on Him and find my identity in Him rather than in the empty words of my peers surrounding me. 

I cannot fully comprehend the love of my Father. It is too much for me to take in. My heart is so full and I am so grateful for how unbelievably blessed I am. I am at a loss for words and completely in awe. 

Lord, help me to love like you have loved me. Help me to bring your light to someone who needs it this week. I am so undeserving, so unworthy of your unending love. Thank you for your goodness to me, Lord, for your mercy and grace. Who is like you, God?

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."
-Psalm 34:8-10

"I can pour out because I know you fill up. I drink from a well that never runs dry. You are abundantly available to me, ever drawing me closer. You call me into communion with you and I am filled with your life over flowing even in the driest, hardest of seasons. You exchange my lack for your abundance, Christ in me the only hope of glory. Christ in me is enough. Christ with me is enough. Christ on that cross and risen for me is enough. You are enough, Jesus."

-Katie Davis 

Lord have Your way in me.

Despite my stubbornness, my hard-headedness and ultimate strain when it comes to admitting my faults, I am called to surrender to God.

Even when I don't want to, even when it hurts, I know that the Lord's plans are far better than anything I could plan for myself. But sometimes I convince myself that I'm strong enough to "go this one alone" or to handle it by myself. I see the brokenness in my relationships with the one's love and I try to fix it with empty words and thoughtless actions instead of bringing the situation to God in His ultimate perfection. And when the situation remains in the exact same state, I become frustrated with myself and my incapability and I carry the burden with me throughout my day. I get so caught up in trying to be my own god that sometimes I forget about the actual God that saved me in the midst of my sinfulness.

But Jesus doesn't want me to try to be my own god. He calls me to surrender to Him. He wants me to recognize my inability, my brokenness, my imperfection as an opportunity to learn about His abilities, His complete fullness, and His perfection. 

When I try to be my own god, I feel burnt out and hopeless far too often. I feel exhausted and discouraged because I'm not supposed to carry all of my burdens on my own; I am called to rely on Jesus for His strength, His ability, and His encouragement. A relationship with Him brings joy instead of momentary happiness and a feeling of peace in the middle of tribulation. But it also calls for me to surrender myself to His will for my life in the trust that He has something incredible planned for me. 

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." - James 4:8

Jesus, I have fought for so long in an effort to appear perfect. But, Lord, I am not perfect. I pray that you would have your way in me, that you would allow me to let go of the things I'm grasping desperately to that aren't you. They don't offer the joy that a relationship with you does, so help me to be vulnerable and to come to you instead of being stubborn and weighed down by the weight of my burdens. Help me to give them over to you. Thank you for your mercy, God, thank you for your relentless and perfect love.

Like a rushing wind,
Jesus breathe within
Lord have your way,
Lord have your way in me.  

Like a mighty storm,
Stir within my soul,
Lord have your way,
Lord have your way in me;
I surrender. 

The hard lesson of forgiveness.

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the topic of forgiveness. It’s not an easy topic. It’s not easy to do. When I’ve held a grudge for so long, sometimes it just feels impossible to give it up. Because a lot of the times, I give myself excuse after excuse to not forgive somebody. I tell myself that they’ve continually wronged me again and again and I just can’t bring myself to forgive them because they’ve hurt me too much. They’ve gone too far. And they don’t deserve to be forgiven. 

But wait… wasn’t that me? Isn’t that me? I have wronged Jesus again and again, but He somehow brought himself to forgiving me despite the infinite amounts of times that I’ve hurt him, that I’ve disappointed him. I ran so far from him and I didn’t deserve to be forgiven, but He forgave me anyway. And He continues to forgive me every day as I continually fail him, as I continually turn my back on him and choose sin. 

So, now what? I see the beauty of forgiveness applied in my life. I see the beauty in the Father’s constant forgiveness and mercy as a result of my fallen state. And He doesn’t want me to be worn down by the grudge I’m holding. He doesn’t want me to carry that burden. He wants me to give it to Him. He wants me to forgive like He forgave me. Even when it hurts, when I don’t want to. But He knows what’s best for me, so I’m laying it at His feet.

Jesus, I don’t understand your forgiveness. I know that I am so lost and that without you there is no hope. I have been carrying these burdens for far too long, Lord, and they are wearing me down to the core. I know that I need to lay them at your feet. Help me forgive the people around me like you forgave me. Help me to put aside my stubbornness; help me to be humbled by your love and mercy. Jesus, I need you to take these burdens off my shoulders because I am not capable of carrying them anymore and they are making me bitter and hateful. Please forgive me of my pride, of my selfishness and hard-headedness. Thank you for your gift of forgiveness. 

⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

- Romans 5:8

Living everyday with purpose.

Throughout my crazy schedule filled with class, friends, school work, and social events, oftentimes it’s much easier to push Jesus to the back burner and tell myself, “I’ll get to that later.” 

But one of the many lessons I’ve learned during my three weeks here at school is that Jesus needs to be the center of my life. When he’s not, I find myself dragging myself through my day, feeling purposeless and burnt out. 

In order for me to gain the reward of having a relationship with Him, I have to put in an effort. And a relationship with Him is rewarding. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in my desires and my own selfishness that I forget about my ultimate purpose as a human being. I forget about how blessed I am and about how amazing God’s love for me is. 

I don’t want to slip back into a life dictated by my own desires and my own checklist. I want to live a life for the name of Jesus, for His glory. I need to remind myself that I shouldn’t depend on the world for acceptance, but on Jesus because he accepted me in my worthlessness and loves me despite my sin.

Intentional surroundings.

So, I’m cuddled up on my futon after my extremely long second day of college and all I can really say is that God is pretty awesome. I am so blessed to know a good group of girls that I got to go to church with on Sunday. Church was so good and the sermon was amazing. There was one point that was made that really stuck with me: every relationship in our life is intentional. Wow. 

And it got me thinking, that every single person I meet during my time here at Clemson is an opportunity to show Jesus to someone. In my actions, in my words, in the way that I carry myself… I can show Jesus to everyone. Every day. In every instance. And He deserves so much more than that. I am so incredibly in awe of Jesus and cannot wait to see what He has in store for me during the next four years. 

“Praise the Lord, O my soul; 

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.”

-Psalm 103:1

How deep the Father's love for us.

When I think of this song, I think of the life transformation that came with the realization of Jesus’ unreal love for me. I think of how broken and stubborn I was and how I thought my sin was too much for Him to forgive. For months, I dug myself deeper into my depression, excusing myself from Christianity, saying that I was too dirty, I was too dark, that He wouldn’t want me anyways. Now I think of how incredibly false those statements were and how His love reaches past every single one of my mistakes and shortcomings. 

Now that I’m in a relationship with Him, I take every opportunity that I can to share my story for His glory. It hurts sometimes to admit, hey, I used to cut myself. But knowing that there are other people that struggle with the same thing and feel the same way I did- I want them to know about Christ’s unending love and that their scars don’t make Him love them any less.

So, to the girl that feels unworthy, alone, lost and hopeless- you are loved (1 John 3:1), you are NOT alone (Deuteronomy 31:6), and there is HOPE in all situations (1 Peter 1:3). Being thin will not make you happier. Being desired will still leave you feeling lonely and having more clothes and possessions will not cure your emptiness. So, stop trying to meet all of these expectations! Stop taking it out on yourself! You are a precious child of God and YOU have a purpose. Your meaning is intertwined with His name. The only way to cure your depression, loneliness and emptiness is by finding your meaning in JESUS (2 Corinthians 5:6-9). Knowing Him and His love will bring you a joy that lasts in the toughest of conditions (Habakkuk 3:17-19). A joy that beauty, possessions and clothes cannot provide.

I pray for each and every person that struggles through what I went through. It is a tough battle that is impossible to fight alone. Jesus intervened in my life and showed me that the things I was placing my value on were like shifting sand and that I needed to place my value on Him, the Rock (Matthew 7:24-27). Ever since He came into my life, I have been learning more and more about what it means to place my value in Him. He has made himself evident in my life and taught me that what the world has to offer is temporary, but what He has to offer is eternal. This is a lesson I am still learning today and will continue to learn for the rest of my life, but I promise you… when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and bring your sins to Him, your life will change for the better and you will never be the same. 

“Behold, the man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders.

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice 

Call out among the scoffers. 

It was my sin that held him there

Until it was accomplished.

His dying breathe has brought me life,

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything;

No gifts, no power, no wisdom.

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection. 

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have paid my ransom.”

A mess we cannot clean.

Recently, my mom has been getting frustrated with my little sister, Hollis, because when asked to clean her room, she will throw her clothes under the bed, in the corners of her closet, basically anywhere so she doesn’t have to hang them up or fold them. When my mom asks her, “have you cleaned your room?” she replies, “yes” and hides the fact that her room only gives the appearance of being clean, but hidden in the nooks and crannies, there are clothes, toys, and piles that are not clean.

When my mom discovered this, she called her into her room and told her, “Hollis, this is not cleaning your room! You can’t just hide your clothes and tell me that you’ve cleaned your room!” My little sister takes it in, nods her head, but eventually ends up back to the place where she’s hiding her mess to keep my mom happy.

I thought about this for a while, and realized that this is a metaphor of our relationship with Christ. He asks us to clean up our act and try to be like him, and we respond with the attempts to hide our mess from him. But we are incapable of hiding our mess from him because he is omniscient and sees us in our sin. We cannot perfect our actions, but he calls us to try and assures us that he will make up for our lack. So many of us are just like Hollis. We think that we can hide our sins and our failures from God and we think that that is necessary. But in the midst of our sinfulness, in the midst of our mess and uncleanliness, He loves us the same. That is the beauty of God’s love. 

He doesn’t ask us to stop sinning altogether, he asks us to bring our sins to him. We need to stop hiding our sins by piling them in the corners of our closets; we need to bring the piles to God and say, “Lord, I cannot clean this without your help.” And in that moment where we admit our inability and ask for his help, he takes the weight of the heavy sins from our hands, and he puts them away in their rightful place. 

Our sins are a mess we are incapable of cleaning by ourselves, a mess that only God can clean. But we have to bring our mess before him and be vulnerable in admitting we are not clean in order for him to do so. A relationship with God is not one in which we appear to be a certain way; it is where he sees the very depths of our heart, where we come to him with our piles of sin and allow him to cleanse us of them.

⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

- 1 John 1:9

"Seemingly perfect."

For some reason it has become desirable for us as humans to hide the fact that we aren’t perfect, that we make mistakes, and that we’re not always happy. It has become appealing to sweep our problems under the rug, to put on a mask and to keep quiet about life’s real struggles when in the public eye. But this isn’t the way it was intended to go, this isn’t how it should be. We see people’s tweets about how wonderful life is and how much they love their friends, but there is an underlying pain they hardly ever speak up about for everyone to see. Even in our churches, nobody wants to fess up about life’s hardships. Nobody wants to seem like they don’t have it all together, like life isn’t picture perfect, and like they could use some encouragement. Because, let’s face it… who asks for help anymore?

But what I’ve learned is that in the vulnerability of honestly admitting, publicly for others to hear, “I am not perfect. I am struggling and I need encouragement,” is that people care and respond lovingly because so many of them feel the same way. Oftentimes, relief fills people’s faces when you bring up a hardship or something tough that you’re going through because they realize it’s okay for them to be open about their own struggles. That’s what friendship is. That’s what neighbors need to be like today. It shouldn’t be a competition where we want to act like everything is okay so that nobody knows that everything is actually falling apart- we are all sinners in this together and so we need to rely on one another. We need to encourage and persevere with one another. The church isn’t for perfect people; it is a hospital for broken people that desperately need to be fixed by God.

But that’s not the way that it is. We have families that are falling apart, too afraid to ask for help or even bring to light the fact that they’re having problems because they don’t want people to know. We have teenagers who are depressed, who are cutting themselves and starving themselves but they can’t tell people that for fear of what people will think. But what if it wasn’t about impressing the people around us? What if it was about struggling with and helping the people around us? 

We live in a fallen world. What it has to offer us might please us in the moment, but in the end it will not bring us happiness. We are sinners that will never be fully satisfied apart from God. He is the perfection we are searching for, we are incapable of being. So we have to be willing to be vulnerable and open with the people in our lives. We are all hurting, we are all broken, but we need to stop acting like everything is perfect because it’s not. It’s okay to be imperfect. God loved us in our imperfection and He alone can satisfy. 

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
     Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
⁹ Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
    for those who fear him have no lack!
¹⁰ The young lions suffer want and hunger;
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

-Psalm 34:8-10